Tuesday, December 06, 2005
Sunday, December 04, 2005
We all know it, but no one seems able to explain why it's a joke, or a tongue twister for that matter. I learned it in second grade, and the idea is to repeat, RUBBER BALLS AND LIQUOR as the answer to a series of questions about the three squares until it sounds like you are saying "RUB (THAT GIRL'S) BALLS AND LICK HER." I mean . . . sure... I guess? But is the eight year old me meant to understand jokes about girls with balls, a tongue twister about twisted tongueing? The sooner one learns about hermaphrodites the better, I've always said, but I still don't know WHAT MAKES THIS SO GODDAMNED FUNNY.
Sunday, November 27, 2005
What? What's this? A quest for the essence of the female orgasm in a bottle? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the "strong desire to have sex immediately," if not sooner, but somehow the "immediately after spraying their noses" bit takes the x out of sex, and nobody wants to have se or only se. For in keeping with the Latin grammatical tradition that governs "se" as a reflexive pronoun, having se is having sex with "ones self." Not bad, but who needs a spray for that, unless you are into lubricious PAM:
Turns me on just looking at it.
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Sunday, November 06, 2005
1 fancy pottery'd bowl your wife brought to the merger of households to replace the octagonal bowls you stole from Austin.
2 clean fingers.
Locate the bits of shell by carefully examining the raw egg in the bowl. Take your left finger and pull the raw egg up the edge of the bowl. This procedure should also pull with it the micro-piece of shell, suspended in a slender strip of slime. Then with your right finger, press down on top of the shell-piece firmly and then -- now maintain pressure! -- slide your finger up to the rim of the bowl. The shell should be dislodged from its grave jelly. Safely discard shell piece. Don't wash hands. Touch all doorknobs. And exclaim, THIS SHARK LIKES TO FUCK!
Friday, November 04, 2005
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Check out this mealy mouthing. Don't piss me off and not do it, because it's an instrumental lesson on how NOT to tune, much less "play," an accoustic guitar. The fact that these 10 year olds enunciate like 4 year olds is reason enough for the state to seize these blue-eyed devils and turn them over forthwith to Abdullah the Butcher for a round and overdue spanking.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings saieth the Lord. . . ?
Friday, October 14, 2005
Hi Prof. [GOLDBLACKDEVILHEAD] - -
OK, so apparently something went wrong again. You e-mailed me on thursday and said to meet tomorrow on wednesday. . . and i came friday and everything was just all messed up. Last week was crazy anyways, so lets start things over again. If you lost my schedule it's MWF 9-2:15. Around 2:30 seems to be when we are supposed to meet so any day is good for me.
Hopefully see you soon,
Monday, October 10, 2005
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Proceedings: Biological Sciences
ISSN: 0962-8452 (Paper) 1471-2954 (Online)
Issue: Volume 272, Number 1576 / October 07, 2005
Pages: 2023 - 2027
Monday, September 19, 2005
7.) Respect!: This rule is very simple. If you see someone that you are attracted to and that person is part of a couple. Don't just approach that one person. Respect that they are part of a couple and speak with both parties. Ignoring one or the other in a couple is not the way to enjoy the evening. Likely you will find yourself not appreciated for the really nice person you might well be.
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Monday, August 22, 2005
Is this shirt gay or not?
My beloved friends from Ohio, "Keith and Bill," gave me this shirt in 1993 in recognition of my likeness to a Landfill Phantom and my confessed love for Allysin Chaynes I mean Alice In Chains. I thanked them for it, and closeted it stat, thinking it was "gay." I believe I had made the right decision at the time. I mean, who wants to look like he’s heading to Lollapalooza? Who wants to look like he’s heading back, even though demographically, and according to the latest figures, 89% of my friend base have in fact been to Lollapalooza at least once? While 46% surveyed indicate that they own an Alice In Chains album, 87% admit to liking at least one Alice In Chains song, with 75% of those responses singling out the single, "Would," from the Singles soundtrack (also from the album Dirt) as the overwhelming favorite; 20% goes to "Man in the Box (Baby You Know You Like It That Way)." And if 20% of the 87% are heading towards the train station, what percent of England has a July 4th?
But now it is time for me to face the skeleton and, as they say, "Jingle the Sleigh (Let's Do it One More Time)." So, is or is not the shirt "gay?" Can it be worn in public without heaps of ostracization descending upon the wearer? This is by no means a settled issue. And experts as geographically and aesthetically diverse as Lilly Locust and Apartmeant13 have weighed in.
Has the shirt accrued any nostalgic value in a universal sense? The shirt is only slightly worn looking. No tour dates on the back; only religious iconography, an Ace of Spades, and dog tags. That was hard to type . . .
YOU DECIDE, FUCKERS (Because I fucking can’t)!
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Tuesday, August 02, 2005
Get new plane, ugh, grunt. Pretend it's 1993 and imagine sending astronauts around the earth in that crappy Forest Gump capsule from the 60s. GET IT? And the worstest bestest part about it is that no one knows what the fuck this current mission is about anyway. Wait, I know, it's about sending a huge foamy Sanford & Son contraption into space so that it can be precariously repaired. THE NATION IS UNITED!
Why not hitch the thing on the back of a 747, like they did in the day, and just cruise around from venue to venue, like two dragon flies flying while fucking.
YAY!, ie., PS: I saw Road Warrior recently and discovered that the villainous hockey masked apocalypticon isn't as muscular as I thought he was. He's just oily and sounds like Randy "The Macho Man" Savage.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
If I sound like a fucker for saying that, then, Haha, NOT SORRY. Which leads me to this: you often hear the conservative complaint that Universities are filled with Lefties. Guess what? You need a PhD to teach in one. Ever think about this as YOUR problem - ie., your obvious lack of intellect, cultural sophistication, or education? Don't blame me for your stupidity, and don't make me teach some magical bullshit as to the origins of the World because you are unable to think. What's at work here is not only the bizarre fantasy of "Think for yourself." In fact, I disavow that bullshit notion, because no one thinks for himself or herself: you think by learning, and you learn to think. Thinking for yourself only leads to "opinions" that are inevitably suburban and gay. There remains also this bizarre fantasy for "balance" in education. First, teach Evolution, which is already a self-correcting theory (any scientist will tell you that); then, teach BULLSHIT, but WHAT is it that you are teaching? What the fuck IS intelligent design, and do I teach the Catholic, Methodist, Hindoo, or Baptist version, or ALL OF THEM? And do literature professors even teach this shit? For me, this all translates into the following classroom protocol: "OK, class, Beowulf is about a Danish hero. BUT, we have to value the other side because they are stupid and need to be placated because they have a modicum of political power and are recognized by Politicians Without Balls (PWB), so write this down right next to that: Beowulf is about a used car salesman trying to make his way." I'm going to do this for now on in my lectures. But I see the point: it's just too FRENCH to value intellectuals, much less education or facts. If educated persons who read broadly not only in global issues but in the humanities procline lefwardly, that might mean something, DUUUUUUH. Don't blame intellectuals. If you feel left out or less than "elite," then go read a fucking book or two, moron, go learn a language or three, go TRAVEL somewhere and leave your pale American cultural values behind, for you can eat at McDonald's when you get back. Be humble. You are too stupid to be mean. And if you are stupid, then your opinions are GAY.
Will someone PLEASE fucking tar and feather Carl Cameron?
I'd put a caption here, but doing so forces me to use the word "gay" once again.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
gbdh: dunno what that is
apt13isdead: click on damn link
gbdh: i did, fuckergay
apt13isdead: transformers instructions
gbdh: that's your age group, not mine. too old for those silly toys. never thot they were cool. i stopped at Micronauts and Star Wars figures. sorry, child.
apt13isdead: you are sooooo much older than me
gbdh: how old are you?
gbdh: ok, you are 32 and i am 37. you are right.
gbdh: but take it back to "childhood."
gbdh: i am 16 fucking girls. you are 11 dickless years old staring at dickless Transformers.
apt13isdead: even if you are an "old guy" you should still be able to appreciate how cool those instructions are, so go get gay
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Great, you put in RED info concerning a "memo" involving the UN's Annan and the "food for oil" program for pre-invasion Iraq. But any memo involving Bush that fucking liar who brought us to WAR in Iraq, Noooooo, nothing. You're as terribly on your knees as all the rest of the media.
But then I read this and thought, Fuuuuuuuck:
"Hard work is seeing your son's murder on CNN one Sunday evening while you're enjoying the last supper you'll ever truly enjoy again. Hard work is having three military officers come to your house a few hours later to confirm the aforementioned murder of your son, your first-born, your kind and gentle sweet baby. Hard work is burying your child 46 days before his 25th birthday. Hard work is holding your other three children as they lower the body of their big (brother) into the ground. Hard work is not jumping in the grave with him and having the earth cover you both," she said. Since her son's death, Sheehan has made opposition to the Bush administration a full-time job. "We're watching you very carefully and we're going to do everything in our power to have you impeached for misleading the American people," she said, quoting a letter she sent to the White House. "Beating a political stake in your black heart will be the fulfillment of my life ... "
Most of my friends seem not to care about politics too much, or are at least aren't as sensitive and vociferous as I am when it comes to such things. But for fuck's sake, how helpless can one feel with this Goddamned Asshole Son of a Bitch BUSH in office? It sucks. I'm disheartened by the whole fucking thing, including the election still, and vicariously despair when I think upon folks who have to look into the grave of their KIA son, brother, daughter, friend and at the same time imagine that fucking shit-eating grin on the face of George W. Bush, the man responsible for your loved one's death and the stupidest and most arrogant moron alive, who lied lied LIED to bring this country to war and global disrepute.
And for you who voted for Bush: thanks a lot and fuck you. NAME ONE GOOD THING THAT'S HAPPENED IN THESE LAST FOUR, GOING ON FIVE, YEARS. And don't say, "Well, uh, we haven't been attacked!," unless you know how to prove a negative, shit-wit. On second thought, you might actually be quite good at that, since "proving" negatives is Bush's forte (hello, WMD in Iraq?). Maybe you can explain your vote to this mom and issue silly platitudes about war and terrorism as if you know what the fuck you are talking about.
Will you P.L.E.A.S.E take a brief moment from your boring fucking life and sign a petition to impeach Bush? Trust that your voice will be heard this way more so than in the last election. This one by Rep. John Conyers -- he's Black! (see last post) -- is the most urgent, from my pov. For background info, go here.
Sunday, June 12, 2005
US House of Representatives?: ZERO BLACK Republicans! Scroll down the left frame and click on "African-Americans."
US Senate: ZERO BLACK Republicans!
Those fellow Democrats need to shut the fuck up, too, and not "back away" from what Dean says. Howard Fineman and Tamara Lipper, how small are your journalistic dicks for imparting this wisdom to us about why Dean's remark is "wrong"?: "Wise guys of both camps viewed the statement as a blunder, because, well, most Americans are white Christians." AND SO? IDIOTS will do anything to avoid talking about RACE.
ARGH! BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEARGH! Yeah baby, if I were Dean, I’d at least be using the words, "Republicans are assholes. George Bush is an Idiot. Dick Cheney is the slimiest fucker to slither into politics." But then that would make me a DemoCrap.
Moths on Drugs.
PLUS ("+") also an additional bonus: for three days I scolded CNN for burying important stories for the sake of stupid stories. So we have this item, which concerns how a leading member of Bush’s "environmental team" also happens to be an oil industry insider who EDITS science reports on the accepted link between global warming and fossil fuel emissions and turns them into excuses for sitting on their hands with respect to Kyoto.
The New York Times led with this story; it’s actually the product of their own journalistic investigation. Yet on CuNNilungus.Cock this item is not even listed ANYWHERE on the main page! It’s the FOURTH item under Science, less news worthy than "New shipwrecks found in Hawaiian archipelagos" or "Study: Possible ice volcano on Titan." So my message this last time was a poem:
From: One IdiotBut hey, today we learn that the "environmental scientist" in the White House resigns. Yeah! This news is on CNN's front page but under "Science and Space." Go figure.
Wait, forget it.
Bi Bim Bap!
Grow Some Balls.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Apathetics, click here and tell CNN how STUPID they are. Here's my letter:
Why on earth would the headline on CNN.COM concern the "missing teen" in Aruba? As if that is of more "national importance" than four US soldiers DYING in Iraq! This is exactly the problem with the so-called media: silly dramatic stories distracting our national attention from anything actually worth thinking about. While we're at it, what's the latest on the Runaway Bride over whom you obsessed so much? THE NATION IS DYING TO KNOW! I'm joking, but I'm serious. Stop this, and do your job.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
To blimmage (inf.): 1.a.) typically to smudge an item for sale in a store while the clerk isn’t looking. "When he had the chance, his cousin took it upon himself to BLIMMAGE a few greeting cards."
Stay tuned for other WORDs OF THE DAY, which shall be presented as soon as I dream about them. Previous and unannounced WORDs OF THE DAY may be posted, but by me only, because you're not funny. Thanks!
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Don’t be an EGGY wussy. CLICK IT!
It’s only conceptually gross, not visually! You can't see the gross stuff, because the footage is from the 70s, shot at a good distance, and rather pixilated in the conversion to digital. It's the narration that's simply, like our pancakes, THE BEST!
But, if you want something gross and Exploding-Whale related to look at while you get ready for lunch, TRY THIS!
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
This time, it's a special post for all those lady monkeys who don't fart, bopping and singing songs in the car during awesome summer times!!!
Make sure to set your media player to Repeat!
ENJOY, and see you at the show!!!:
it's a special post for all thody fGirl Monchichi CLICK ME! who like to bop and sg songs! Make sure to set your mediae player to
Thursday, May 26, 2005
Sunday, May 22, 2005
Saturday, May 21, 2005
Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 12:44:07 -0400
Cc: Lord of Locusts
i have joined the "i couldn't wait until monday" club.
so fuck y'all.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Transmission: Tonite After Fucking.
Purpose: To strive to inquire to conquer.
Incantation: Olim homo sapiens semper home sapiens!
Imperative: GET INTO IT.
Random Cultural Referent in Lyrical Form:
Like Alice marries,
like Greg grooves,
like Marcia marches,
like Peter pubesces,
like Jan wins, like Bobby
like Cindy is,
it ain’t gonna happen.
Link: This one.
Monday, May 16, 2005
GBDH has gone by many minor monikers established by his trusty cohort, one notable one being THE WHALE. And once THE WHALE was accused of being a one KOKO the GORILLA fawning over a KITTEN one hot afternoon at 1190 Gregson Avenue, Durham NC, 27701. The present author admits that this is actually a rather precise description of his person, and his love of art. The present author also likes the number ONE.
Fuck you and check out the Gorilla Art and tell me WHICH PIECE is your favorite! Be sure to click on the INFO links, too, because some of the descriptions, particularly those involving MICHAEL the GORILLA's art, are amazing.
Tell one, tell all,
H A P P Y G O D D A M N I T
Thursday, May 12, 2005
In closing, let me say that I was recently asked by an awkwardly hirsute interloper at an oak paneled Italian restaurant that shall remain nameless as to "what happens when an Alpha Male such as myself enters into this social group?" I approached the young man and pronounced to him and the surrounding crowd of females, "He becomes a Beta Male . . . instantly."
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Friday, March 25, 2005
2.) The end "horn" bits in Soundgarden's "Room a Thousand Years Wide" is THE SAME as the horniness at the end of The Doors' "Touch Me Baby (Can't You See That I am Not Afraid)." Which leads me to my real point: I am fascinated by song titles with parens which complete the Lyric: "Little Red Corvette (Baby you're much too fast)," though I just made that up, since I can't think of any examples from Culture Club.
Help me folks, What's your favorite Song title with a Parenthetical????????? And come on, I want you to GET INTO IT!!!!
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Wig to the lid of legs.
and other deads.
A sorry thing
should be covered with cellophane.
Wax on deficiency,
One leg of television,
one arm of chair,
one bolt of rug,
for a Frankenstein family room.
on the pastures of your butt.
Capable of apples.
give me the essence
of oreo legs.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Thus are collected the sententiae of DER CANER.
In other words, SPECIAL CONTEST NUMBER TWO, MOTHERFUCKERS!
What precisely is this cop Lieutenant -- he who holds things in lieu (see, another example . . . ) of the primary possessor -- trying to say?:
"They did such a good job that we were able to use evidence before anyone had
any inkling of what technology would do -- that they did the job so well then
that we could do our job now," Landwehr said.
Full story is here. Haha, no it's not. It's really here.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Yes, it is awesome that the SKULL of an Antient Crocko’dille was discovered. It is BAD REPORTING to fail to mention HOW BIG was the creature. And if you don’t have dimensions, so what? Just give us a sketch of a HUGE CROC and be done with it.
On an unrelated note, would that the legislators in the USofGay were half as smart or educated as the Palestinian officials.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
I am trying to be more like Austin.
I forgot what a shower could do.
I’ll eat any free pizza.
Tell what it was.
Tell Pat about my katas.
Kiss my car.
Let it do what it does.
Can't see the floor for the flow.
Joan away from Joan.
Whistle and be Wes.
You're the one who loses the phone.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Well, the answer surely is not David Lee Roth, the mangey chicken on the stage too winded to crow, "baby won’t you look my way." It’s MICHAEL ANTHONY (FAT ASS) singing all the damn songs!
Van Halen live sucks. They used midgets on stage. They played "nothing songs" for half the time, shit you don't ever know or want to hear. And Roth's performance, even in 1983, was like Axel Rose's at the MTV music awards in 2003 -- sucking air, and therefore shit, pointlessly. And worst of all is the banter with the audience, which allows Diamond to resuscitate himself: "Southern California is THE BEST! I just can't believe how GREAT you are. Let me hear how GREAT you are!"
And check your piss: I went and bought Van Halen's first album with my brother in 1978 and even learned Eruption on the guitar in 1984. That's how fucking stupid I am.
But the albums are cool. Fair Warning was my favorite mall walking album.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
"They" believe that Madagascar is a Continent,
that Europe is really just a series of peninsulas off western Asia,
that Siberia and Alaska are THE SAME,
that Africa is NOT a Continent,
and that Americas are different Continents!!!
Tell your neighbors and call your Congressman IMMEDIATELY.
* * * *
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 10:08:05 +1100
From: Mike Maslen
General opinion is that Australia is both the world's largest island and the
world's smallest continent. I found a reasonable web article on this
although there are many more that are probably more authoritative on this.
One better source may be from Geoscience Australia at http://www.ga.gov.au/ Hope this helps.
Environmental Resources Information Network
Department of Environment &
GBDH 11/02/2005 1:51:12 am
Query: Is Australia an Island or not? I know it's a continent, but if it's a continent, can it be called an island? I am having a debate about this with a friend who's a geographer, and as a [SECURITY CIRCLER], I need a definitive answer to win this
argument, since my only source is my 7th grade Social Studies teacher from 1981. Which is why I am asking you.
Please reply at:
Monday, February 07, 2005
HOW the fuck EVER?
Thursday, January 27, 2005
GBDH does not like songs, the predominance of which, are "talking songs." Suzanne Vega made the form gay, and I am sorry to say that SLINT lilted right into that trap, and though my colleagues will disparage that asservation, and perhaps rightly so, I will only concede that this band is saved by screaming, when they're not verbalizing their generic allegiences to the Charlie Daniels Band's, "The Legend of Wooley Swamp," which I am listening to right now for strictly research purposes, FUCK YEAH. Whispering songs are also to be strenuously eschewed, per 10cc's "I'm Not In Love": "Be quiet, big boys don't cry, / big boys don't cry." Worse yet is the practice the following dictum forbids: never be in a band that aspires to cover a "talking song," no matter what.
Songs that refer to the way things taste suck. "That sugar cane / tastes so sweet...." a la the Random Lyric Movements of our most global local talent. This detestation is only a sub-set of my general dislike for questions related to the way things "taste," as when a waitron asks, "Sir, does everything taste all right?" You tell me, lady. Is there something I can taste? When a dude asks you, you are to aver, "Get the fuck out of my mouth."
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Everyone knows that “Red” the leaping UPS man is a Republikan, and HE'LL KICK YOUR ASS. Surprised?:
Bank of America Corporation Charlotte NC $250,000
Wachovia Corporation Jacksonville FL $250,000
United Parcel Service Roswell GA $250,000
Can somebody cut his benefits?
I always knew to shop at Lowe’s for any DIY project. HomeDepot is total crap, and nobody there knows shit. I mean, some bird advised me to use SANDED grout on my bathroom walls! For the LOVE OF GOD, SANDED GROUT?!?! Enough said, and if you don’t know what I am talking about, then HomeDepot’s got a job for you.
The Home Depot Washington DC $250,000Nope, the kitchen sink has to go.
Pfizer, Inc. New York NY $250,000And the computer asswell.
Microsoft Corporation Redmond WA $100,000Source: http://www.inaugural05.com/donors/
Stay tuned .... Portions of THE BOOK are soon to be published here and at publisher's discretion. The forgoing text was sponsored by ISIS's Panopticon.
Monday, January 17, 2005
Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. . . . I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.
Too bad two good pages, http://www.mlkday.com/, and, http://thekingcenter.com (right in HotLanta), are down today. But this one's excellent: http://www.stanford.edu/group/King/.
I live across the street from a very old, rockin’, Bible preachin’, Black church – a small white Cinderbox that thrums with drums, bass, Casio keys, alleluias, and "Welllll" on Sundays and Wednesdays. It’s fucking awesome! I’ll be tuning in tonight on my front porch, you can be sure. You know of course I want to go. But I won’t, lest I appear to be that ModelFag with indy glasses on Amazing Race.
In other news: C E T A C E A N A
FRIENDS, Mastodonians, and Moby Dickers alike. My noise collaborator’s got WHALES! Get ‘em gat ‘em!
Be sorry for WHALES, too.
Be mindful of the Quæstio of the day: “Do I really want to stay in an organization where the sole purpose is to kill?” Let me think about that one. . . .
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Fuck You of the day:
"Therefore, the sticker must be removed from all of the textbooks into which it has been placed." fUCK yOU pARENTS oF cOBB cOUNTY sCH()()L dickstrict.
Cooking Tip of the day:
"A sorry thing
should be covered with cellophane."
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
And remember, the Mammal first had to ATTACK the dinosaur before eating it. That's what's cool.
"M. C. Hammer,
You trusted me because I wore your clothes."
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Check out these two SteveMcClureMovies, however:
. . . . in addition to the MentiriPaintings:
Man or woman, we all have a butthole.
You see what the rain does:
Behind every face is a fuck-up.
Put the flag on the moon for her.
take her, leave her.
My Budweiser raft is the best.
Monday, January 10, 2005
It’s America across
the world, sorry very much.
View-master viewer sunrise,
Peggy sees, sees also Moe
cancered out, cleaning out his colon
with the Republicans.
"What’s the name
of that store that’s not Kmart?,"
he asks, helps him think of something else.