Tuesday, December 06, 2005


"Mr Williams is not, and has never been, homosexual."

Choose appropriate response from the items below:
a.) Um....
b.) Eschewing gayness "was a business decision," perhaps?
d.) All of the above.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Let's get to the bottom of this.

What the fuck is RUBBER BALLS AND LIQUOR anyway!?

We all know it, but no one seems able to explain why it's a joke, or a tongue twister for that matter. I learned it in second grade, and the idea is to repeat, RUBBER BALLS AND LIQUOR as the answer to a series of questions about the three squares until it sounds like you are saying "RUB (THAT GIRL'S) BALLS AND LICK HER." I mean . . . sure... I guess? But is the eight year old me meant to understand jokes about girls with balls, a tongue twister about twisted tongueing? The sooner one learns about hermaphrodites the better, I've always said, but I still don't know WHAT MAKES THIS SO GODDAMNED FUNNY.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Relax, don't do it....

"We know that some women need something -- a pill, a nasal spray -- to get them going," Melinda Gallagher said in the report. Doctors said women who used the drug PT-141 in test studies felt a tingling or throbbing followed by a strong desire to have sex immediately after spraying their noses. "In the case of women, what we're really doing is sensitizing the vaginal tissue so when they get touched or stimulated, they would feel it a little bit more," Dr. Carl Spana said.

What? What's this? A quest for the essence of the female orgasm in a bottle? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the "strong desire to have sex immediately," if not sooner, but somehow the "immediately after spraying their noses" bit takes the x out of sex, and nobody wants to have se or only se. For in keeping with the Latin grammatical tradition that governs "se" as a reflexive pronoun, having se is having sex with "ones self." Not bad, but who needs a spray for that, unless you are into lubricious PAM:

Turns me on just looking at it.

Sunday, November 20, 2005


Women on average
look like Geddy Lee
more than men do
at the choad of dawn.

Sunday, November 06, 2005


For you vegetabletarians, is eating an egg like eating a fingernail, a bio-by-product that doesn't have a face? Or is an egg like a celery stick, ontologically speaking? I ask because this morning, I ate three eggs. Answer as you may, you'll be glad to know that I also devised a new method for extracting shells from the gluey substance that is the raw egg. It's called the two-finger method!

3 eggs.
1 fancy pottery'd bowl your wife brought to the merger of households to replace the octagonal bowls you stole from Austin.
2 clean fingers.

Locate the bits of shell by carefully examining the raw egg in the bowl. Take your left finger and pull the raw egg up the edge of the bowl. This procedure should also pull with it the micro-piece of shell, suspended in a slender strip of slime. Then with your right finger, press down on top of the shell-piece firmly and then -- now maintain pressure! -- slide your finger up to the rim of the bowl. The shell should be dislodged from its grave jelly. Safely discard shell piece. Don't wash hands. Touch all doorknobs. And exclaim, THIS SHARK LIKES TO FUCK!

Friday, November 04, 2005

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Rest in Peace Rosa Parks. All the rest, listen to Neville Brothers', "Sister Rosa." I'm not one for political songs but this one's really HOT!

Sunday, October 23, 2005

YES, Kids Are Even MORE Retarded Than Ever!!!

You might have heard about these twin blonde Nazi bitches on Viceland or stumbled across them in your viewing of white supremicist sites, which began celebrating these girls once they grew tits. But have you really HEARD these Aryan "Olsen Twins" look alikes?

Check out this mealy mouthing. Don't piss me off and not do it, because it's an instrumental lesson on how NOT to tune, much less "play," an accoustic guitar. The fact that these 10 year olds enunciate like 4 year olds is reason enough for the state to seize these blue-eyed devils and turn them over forthwith to Abdullah the Butcher for a round and overdue spanking.

Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings saieth the Lord. . . ?
Pisshaw! I'm with the exegetes on this one. Boethius had it right in De Musica: if you can't play, you shouldn't be thinking -- a maxim topped only by Alain de Lille, who holds that if you can't jam, you can't fuck.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Missed Connections (Reprise)

OK, so apparently something went wrong again. You e-mailed me on thursday and said to meet tomorrow on wednesday. . . and i came friday and everything was just all messed up. Last week was crazy anyways, so lets start things over again. If you lost my schedule it's MWF 9-2:15. Around 2:30 seems to be when we are supposed to meet so any day is good for me.
Hopefully see you soon,
J[.] W[.]

Monday, October 10, 2005

Kids Are Retards

If by definition a retard is retrograded to some earlier stage of psychological development, then children, by virtue of their verbal ejaculations, dumb sentences, flailing histrionics, lack of sociability, and sharp turns from blather to boo-hoo, give retardation its clearest and most evident meaning yet. I am fucking sick of sitting on an airplane with a bunch of fucking retards - like, say, that dumb ass kid blabbering his pointless non-sense at the top of his lungs for the entire flight back from NYC recently: "Ree a wow wee gonna make it and BREEEEEEEEEEEW bee gee and they all, Daddy daddy!" Grow some balls, Indy Dad, and make your retard shut the fuck up before I kick your skinny ass and cork his slobber hole. Mary-Tyler-Core Mom, your blue burbling newborn resembles quite distinctly a pupal grub, but worse because instead of making itself useful by eating dirt it shrieks and stinks. Breeders, you make heterosexuality gay.


Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Normally ovulating women have been found to report greater sexual attraction to men other than their own partners when near ovulation relative to the luteal phase. One interpretation is that women possess adaptations to be attracted to men possessing (ancestral) markers of genetic fitness when near ovulation, which implies that women's interests should depend on qualities of her partner. In a sample of 54 couples, we found that women whose partners had high developmental instability (high fluctuating asymmetry) had greater attraction to men other than their partners, and less attraction to their own partners, when fertile.

Proceedings: Biological Sciences
ISSN: 0962-8452 (Paper) 1471-2954 (Online)
Issue: Volume 272, Number 1576 / October 07, 2005
Pages: 2023 - 2027

Monday, September 19, 2005

Sock It To Me in the Sex Club

7.) Respect!: This rule is very simple. If you see someone that you are attracted to and that person is part of a couple. Don't just approach that one person. Respect that they are part of a couple and speak with both parties. Ignoring one or the other in a couple is not the way to enjoy the evening. Likely you will find yourself not appreciated for the really nice person you might well be.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Hurricane, or, Refugees Aren't For Africa Anymore!

Mother Nature with her huge hermaphrodictic balls proved the Allinian dictum of "Life Sucks Scum Fuck" in her recent cataclysmic expression of force and destruction. I'll be watching events unfold with dismay in this Apocalypse for so many in the Gulf states and will grin with Schadenfreude at all SUV drivers who will soon be paying $3.50 a gallon for gas to the tune of $70 a tank. You just HAD to have such a big stupid car, didn't you!? Yet my political prophecy lies elsewhere, in a cynicism not only about the optimism of the National Guard's readiness and numbers to assist relief efforts in the U.S., but of the propaganda and double-speak at the Department of Defense where Living Color's catchy phrase, "talking out the side of ya neck," most certainly applies in the D.O.D.'s bald statement concerning an increase in Guard deployments and its celebration of Guard units mobilized during Katrina: "The National Guard's solid response to Hurricane Katrina demonstrates that the Guard is still fully capable of responding to stateside emergencies while supporting the war in terror overseas, the chief of the National Guard Bureau told the American Forces Press Service today. " The news, however, will make you wonder whether the response is indeed "solid": "looting on Tuesday took place in full view of police and National Guard troops. " My point is about numbers, not military might. My prognostication, which -- you can remember -- you heard it here first, is that we have at hand an unfortunate misallocation of resources in the likes of our National Guard units across some four or five southern states who presently find themselves in Iraq pursuing the "President's" vain agendas and absent from their better humanitarian purposes of airlifting the hundreds upon hundreds of citizens stranded on their rooftops in these flooded areas. Oh the looting in Baghdad, oh me oh my. Oh the looting in New Orleans! Not wishing to pun, I just want to float that discourse out there. Spread it around, jack it, fuck it.

Monday, August 22, 2005


Is this shirt gay or not?

My beloved friends from Ohio, "Keith and Bill," gave me this shirt in 1993 in recognition of my likeness to a Landfill Phantom and my confessed love for Allysin Chaynes I mean Alice In Chains. I thanked them for it, and closeted it stat, thinking it was "gay." I believe I had made the right decision at the time. I mean, who wants to look like he’s heading to Lollapalooza? Who wants to look like he’s heading back, even though demographically, and according to the latest figures, 89% of my friend base have in fact been to Lollapalooza at least once? While 46% surveyed indicate that they own an Alice In Chains album, 87% admit to liking at least one Alice In Chains song, with 75% of those responses singling out the single, "Would," from the Singles soundtrack (also from the album Dirt) as the overwhelming favorite; 20% goes to "Man in the Box (Baby You Know You Like It That Way)." And if 20% of the 87% are heading towards the train station, what percent of England has a July 4th?

But now it is time for me to face the skeleton and, as they say, "Jingle the Sleigh (Let's Do it One More Time)." So, is or is not the shirt "gay?" Can it be worn in public without heaps of ostracization descending upon the wearer? This is by no means a settled issue. And experts as geographically and aesthetically diverse as Lilly Locust and Apartmeant13 have weighed in.

Has the shirt accrued any nostalgic value in a universal sense? The shirt is only slightly worn looking. No tour dates on the back; only religious iconography, an Ace of Spades, and dog tags. That was hard to type . . .

YOU DECIDE, FUCKERS (Because I fucking can’t)!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

The Gayness of the Machine

It sucks! Using a hacksaw for repairs? How would you like to be dangled by a robotic arm 220 miles above the earth's surface? Look, this crappy ass craft was featured in 007's "Moonraker" in 1979 before the first launch: in the movie, we see multiple craft launching from multiple locations, and we get to see Jaws get it on with Pippy Longstocking. The thrill is gone, as is the need. If a NASA device is not in a contemporary movie, then it's time to move the fuck on. That "Deep Impact" featured these cosmological jalopies verifies the utter gayness of the machine: what a wish that movie was for the shittle to be purposeful and agile.

Get new plane, ugh, grunt. Pretend it's 1993 and imagine sending astronauts around the earth in that crappy Forest Gump capsule from the 60s. GET IT? And the worstest bestest part about it is that no one knows what the fuck this current mission is about anyway. Wait, I know, it's about sending a huge foamy Sanford & Son contraption into space so that it can be precariously repaired. THE NATION IS UNITED!

Why not hitch the thing on the back of a 747, like they did in the day, and just cruise around from venue to venue, like two dragon flies flying while fucking.

YAY!, ie., PS: I saw Road Warrior recently and discovered that the villainous hockey masked apocalypticon isn't as muscular as I thought he was. He's just oily and sounds like Randy "The Macho Man" Savage.

Saturday, July 16, 2005

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

One year ago today, we restored sovereignty to the Iraqi people

Gay Republicans are Gay. So, too, are Black Republicans. Fuck you if you have a problem with that. Onto more National news. I saw the town hall meeting on MSNBC with Chris Matthews, a forum set to discuss the president’s speech last night. Are there REALLY people who think that Bush’s speech said ANYTHING to clarify what’s going on in Iraq, or what we are doing there, or why we went? Old questions, I know, but impeachable offenses, which of course don't rise to the level of a High Crime evidenced by a jizzed upon blue dress. I mean, a true gentleman would daub you with his briefs post coitus. Yet listening to that meeting, I began to realize that there’s a general lack of Critical Thinking in the US population, as when I hear the mother of a US soldier say, "It was re-assuring to hear our president address the nation and discuss his plans for I-raq." Shut up. Listen, Laura Ashley, I’m sorry your life sucks and that you worry about your son. I’m sorry that it makes you feel better to believe in SOMETHING, to believe that a man who looks like the Mad Magazine Guy actually cares about you or your son. But don’t go on national television and expect me to listen to your stupid bullshit, because you are still an uneducated idiot who clearly doesn’t read much and who lacks any skill in analyzing canned language.

If I sound like a fucker for saying that, then, Haha, NOT SORRY. Which leads me to this: you often hear the conservative complaint that Universities are filled with Lefties. Guess what? You need a PhD to teach in one. Ever think about this as YOUR problem - ie., your obvious lack of intellect, cultural sophistication, or education? Don't blame me for your stupidity, and don't make me teach some magical bullshit as to the origins of the World because you are unable to think. What's at work here is not only the bizarre fantasy of "Think for yourself." In fact, I disavow that bullshit notion, because no one thinks for himself or herself: you think by learning, and you learn to think. Thinking for yourself only leads to "opinions" that are inevitably suburban and gay. There remains also this bizarre fantasy for "balance" in education. First, teach Evolution, which is already a self-correcting theory (any scientist will tell you that); then, teach BULLSHIT, but WHAT is it that you are teaching? What the fuck IS intelligent design, and do I teach the Catholic, Methodist, Hindoo, or Baptist version, or ALL OF THEM? And do literature professors even teach this shit? For me, this all translates into the following classroom protocol: "OK, class, Beowulf is about a Danish hero. BUT, we have to value the other side because they are stupid and need to be placated because they have a modicum of political power and are recognized by Politicians Without Balls (PWB), so write this down right next to that: Beowulf is about a used car salesman trying to make his way." I'm going to do this for now on in my lectures. But I see the point: it's just too FRENCH to value intellectuals, much less education or facts. If educated persons who read broadly not only in global issues but in the humanities procline lefwardly, that might mean something, DUUUUUUH. Don't blame intellectuals. If you feel left out or less than "elite," then go read a fucking book or two, moron, go learn a language or three, go TRAVEL somewhere and leave your pale American cultural values behind, for you can eat at McDonald's when you get back. Be humble. You are too stupid to be mean. And if you are stupid, then your opinions are GAY.

Will someone PLEASE fucking tar and feather Carl Cameron?

I'd put a caption here, but doing so forces me to use the word "gay" once again.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Dialogus Super Transformerenses

apt13isdead: http://www.tfracetrack.com/instructions/g1/autobot/
gbdh: dunno what that is
apt13isdead: click on damn link
gbdh: i did, fuckergay
apt13isdead: transformers instructions
gbdh: that's your age group, not mine. too old for those silly toys. never thot they were cool. i stopped at Micronauts and Star Wars figures. sorry, child.
apt13isdead: faggot
apt13isdead: you are sooooo much older than me
gbdh: how old are you?
apt13isdead: 32
gbdh: ok, you are 32 and i am 37. you are right.
gbdh: but take it back to "childhood."
gbdh: i am 16 fucking girls. you are 11 dickless years old staring at dickless Transformers.
apt13isdead: ha!
apt13isdead: even if you are an "old guy" you should still be able to appreciate how cool those instructions are, so go get gay

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Hot Wet Bush Administration, take two.

I'm in a bad political mood today, and it seems to get worse and worse. So I dropped the DrudgeReport this line to commend his "reporting":

Great, you put in RED info concerning a "memo" involving the UN's Annan and the "food for oil" program for pre-invasion Iraq. But any memo involving Bush that fucking liar who brought us to WAR in Iraq, Noooooo, nothing. You're as terribly on your knees as all the rest of the media.

But then I read this and thought, Fuuuuuuuck:

"Hard work is seeing your son's murder on CNN one Sunday evening while you're enjoying the last supper you'll ever truly enjoy again. Hard work is having three military officers come to your house a few hours later to confirm the aforementioned murder of your son, your first-born, your kind and gentle sweet baby. Hard work is burying your child 46 days before his 25th birthday. Hard work is holding your other three children as they lower the body of their big (brother) into the ground. Hard work is not jumping in the grave with him and having the earth cover you both," she said. Since her son's death, Sheehan has made opposition to the Bush administration a full-time job. "We're watching you very carefully and we're going to do everything in our power to have you impeached for misleading the American people," she said, quoting a letter she sent to the White House. "Beating a political stake in your black heart will be the fulfillment of my life ... "

Most of my friends seem not to care about politics too much, or are at least aren't as sensitive and vociferous as I am when it comes to such things. But for fuck's sake, how helpless can one feel with this Goddamned Asshole Son of a Bitch BUSH in office? It sucks. I'm disheartened by the whole fucking thing, including the election still, and vicariously despair when I think upon folks who have to look into the grave of their KIA son, brother, daughter, friend and at the same time imagine that fucking shit-eating grin on the face of George W. Bush, the man responsible for your loved one's death and the stupidest and most arrogant moron alive, who lied lied LIED to bring this country to war and global disrepute.

And for you who voted for Bush: thanks a lot and fuck you. NAME ONE GOOD THING THAT'S HAPPENED IN THESE LAST FOUR, GOING ON FIVE, YEARS. And don't say, "Well, uh, we haven't been attacked!," unless you know how to prove a negative, shit-wit. On second thought, you might actually be quite good at that, since "proving" negatives is Bush's forte (hello, WMD in Iraq?). Maybe you can explain your vote to this mom and issue silly platitudes about war and terrorism as if you know what the fuck you are talking about.

Will you P.L.E.A.S.E take a brief moment from your boring fucking life and sign a petition to impeach Bush? Trust that your voice will be heard this way more so than in the last election. This one by Rep. John Conyers -- he's Black! (see last post) -- is the most urgent, from my pov. For background info, go here.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Howard Dean & "The Blacks" (Now That's a Band Name!)

Yes, as Howard Dean said, the Republican Party IS "pretty much a white Christian party." Why are the Republicans SO SHOCKED about that, demanding that Dean apologize for the remark?! IT IS TRUE. What about "the Republican party is pretty much a white Christian party" do you not fucking understand? You are right there in Washington. You don’t see it yourself? Here's the MATH for you lying fuckwits.

US House of Representatives?: ZERO BLACK Republicans! Scroll down the left frame and click on "African-Americans."

US Senate: ZERO BLACK Republicans!

Those fellow Democrats need to shut the fuck up, too, and not "back away" from what Dean says. Howard Fineman and Tamara Lipper, how small are your journalistic dicks for imparting this wisdom to us about why Dean's remark is "wrong"?: "Wise guys of both camps viewed the statement as a blunder, because, well, most Americans are white Christians." AND SO? IDIOTS will do anything to avoid talking about RACE.

ARGH! BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEARGH! Yeah baby, if I were Dean, I’d at least be using the words, "Republicans are assholes. George Bush is an Idiot. Dick Cheney is the slimiest fucker to slither into politics." But then that would make me a DemoCrap.


Red Tide.
Spore Spray.
Moths on Drugs.

PLUS ("+") also an additional bonus: for three days I scolded CNN for burying important stories for the sake of stupid stories. So we have this item, which concerns how a leading member of Bush’s "environmental team" also happens to be an oil industry insider who EDITS science reports on the accepted link between global warming and fossil fuel emissions and turns them into excuses for sitting on their hands with respect to Kyoto.

The New York Times led with this story; it’s actually the product of their own journalistic investigation. Yet on CuNNilungus.Cock this item is not even listed ANYWHERE on the main page! It’s the FOURTH item under Science, less news worthy than "New shipwrecks found in Hawaiian archipelagos" or "Study: Possible ice volcano on Titan." So my message this last time was a poem:
From: One Idiot
To: Another
Wait, forget it.
Bi Bim Bap!
Grow Some Balls.
But hey, today we learn that the "environmental scientist" in the White House resigns. Yeah! This news is on CNN's front page but under "Science and Space." Go figure.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Fuck The Family

Let's see, top news item for the day on CNN.suck concerns a MISSING TEEN in Aruba. Fuck that stupid blond bitch. WHO FUCKING CARES? "But THE FAMILY cares." Know what, the NATION don't give a shit! What about the four TEENS killed in Iraq today? Don't give a shit about that either, I guess is the thinking. But hey, the savvy International edition of CNN informs us that "there is a genetic basis to female orgasm." What, orgasms have something to do with the body? I've been wasting chocolate and flowers all these years.

Apathetics, click here and tell CNN how STUPID they are. Here's my letter:

Why on earth would the headline on CNN.COM concern the "missing teen" in Aruba? As if that is of more "national importance" than four US soldiers DYING in Iraq! This is exactly the problem with the so-called media: silly dramatic stories distracting our national attention from anything actually worth thinking about. While we're at it, what's the latest on the Runaway Bride over whom you obsessed so much? THE NATION IS DYING TO KNOW! I'm joking, but I'm serious. Stop this, and do your job.

Saturday, June 04, 2005


To blimmage (inf.): 1.a.) typically to smudge an item for sale in a store while the clerk isn’t looking. "When he had the chance, his cousin took it upon himself to BLIMMAGE a few greeting cards."

Stay tuned for other WORDs OF THE DAY, which shall be presented as soon as I dream about them. Previous and unannounced WORDs OF THE DAY may be posted, but by me only, because you're not funny. Thanks!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

"The Blast Blasted Blubber Beyond All Believable Bounds"

"The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere. Pieces of meat passed high over our heads while others were falling at our feet. . . . Everyone on the scene was covered with small particles of dead whale."

Don’t be an EGGY wussy. CLICK IT!

It’s only conceptually gross, not visually! You can't see the gross stuff, because the footage is from the 70s, shot at a good distance, and rather pixilated in the conversion to digital. It's the narration that's simply, like our pancakes, THE BEST!

But, if you want something gross and Exploding-Whale related to look at while you get ready for lunch, TRY THIS!

Tuesday, May 31, 2005


Hey Girls,
This time, it's a special post for all those lady monkeys who don't fart, bopping and singing songs in the car during awesome summer times!!!

Make sure to set your media player to Repeat!

ENJOY, and see you at the show!!!:

it's a special post for all thody fGirl Monchichi CLICK ME! who like to bop and sg songs! Make sure to set your mediae player to

Thursday, May 26, 2005


Human monkeys will inevitably develop the capacity to communicate telepathically. It makes sense, really, when you think about how exposed to communicative mediae we are, and how frequently we communicate ever more immediately in the temporal sense. GET ON EMAIL! CHECK YOUR PHONE! READ YOUR TEXTS! Our understanding the transformative mechanism, however, the way in which the temporal sense of immediation will give ground to the spatial sense, will be in a deep theorizing of the evolution of HOW we communicate: increasingly, by grammatical and syntactical substraction, by using fewer and fewer articles, vowels, and words, as is initially evident on instant messaging and texting. "o w." What? That's what I text to Zukinemi when I want her to know that I am "On my way" and that it’s time to get Chef Ming’s forthwith, which then got truncated in time and custom to "On way" which got reduced to "o w." This is a quaint example. Clearly, the success of such fragmentary communication is presupposed by the recipient already knowing the message, having successfully traversed the Entwicklung der Sprache. But that's the point! Amplify this on a grander scale and project the scenario even 100 modest years down the road where intermediation, the utter saturation of media and its engines, assures that we all will speak and think a lingua franca of such plentiful fragmentation, and we may all be at a point where our languages of mediation will be quite sparse and economical and homogenous. An even broader sort of transformation will take place with newer, more interactive media the likes of which we cannot yet fathom but which by their integumental devices will bear forth this calculus of language, a reduction of verbosity to an infinite and singular point of spontaneous knowing for all, and by consequence a reduction of literariness and desire: Enter the Monkey, whose communications lapse from On My Way to ow to owwwwwwwww, the plain noise of the desire to consume whatever whenever.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Ok you internet clicker biotches, decipher this!:


Saturday, May 21, 2005

SITH; or, You know how guys are!

Brotherhoods break down when it comes to chics in the same way that, paradoxically, entire civilizations are founded upon the worship of Woman. So, too, are societies formed on the common bond that is Star Wars, but ever so evanescent are these ties when such societies are vanquished for the sake of individual fancy, as evidenced here:
Date: Sat, 21 May 2005 12:44:07 -0400
From: apt13.com
Cc: Lord of Locusts
Subject: club

i have joined the "i couldn't wait until monday" club.
so fuck y'all.

Friday, May 20, 2005



HONK BARK . . . Read on!

Post: Monkey Theory Related Item.
Transmission: Tonite After Fucking.
Purpose: To strive to inquire to conquer.
Incantation: Olim homo sapiens semper home sapiens!

Imperative: GET INTO IT.
Random Cultural Referent in Lyrical Form:

Like Alice marries,
like Greg grooves,
like Marcia marches,
like Peter pubesces,
like Jan wins, like Bobby
like Cindy is,
it ain’t gonna happen.

Link: This one.

Monday, May 16, 2005

This post is about FUCKING

Actually, it's about Art, you sex crazed Monkeys.

GBDH has gone by many minor monikers established by his trusty cohort, one notable one being THE WHALE. And once THE WHALE was accused of being a one KOKO the GORILLA fawning over a KITTEN one hot afternoon at 1190 Gregson Avenue, Durham NC, 27701. The present author admits that this is actually a rather precise description of his person, and his love of art. The present author also likes the number ONE.

Fuck you and check out the Gorilla Art and tell me WHICH PIECE is your favorite! Be sure to click on the INFO links, too, because some of the descriptions, particularly those involving MICHAEL the GORILLA's art, are amazing.

Tell one, tell all,


Thursday, May 12, 2005

Field Notes

On my recent perigrinations, I've had ample opportunity to observe a variety of instantiations of Monkey Theory -- in driving, in brutality sensationalized on the news, at restaurants, and even in my Dear Sister's family of internecine teens. The present author suffers from limitations of a sundry but namely temporal sort in his disability to relay informationes. But he can report this article, begging leave of his distant coterie that a more full disquisition on Monkey Theory will follow at his leisure. Suffice it to say that the article concerns a theory authored by other researchers -- namely, the theory that we migrated out of Africa along coastlines -- which I largely support, as it explains our lack of body hair: that is, we were water apes, once cavorting with our smooth skinned compeer, the clicking dolphin.

In closing, let me say that I was recently asked by an awkwardly hirsute interloper at an oak paneled Italian restaurant that shall remain nameless as to "what happens when an Alpha Male such as myself enters into this social group?" I approached the young man and pronounced to him and the surrounding crowd of females, "He becomes a Beta Male . . . instantly."

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

Hiatus Poem

The crowns of my domestication,
my new slippers.
Three piece sluts.
I long to return home from a day
about reading about
Corbusier’s naked man.
Slide into my slippers.
There are many ors.
Sometimes be the idea of somebody else.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

READ . . .

. . . the poems of Dean Young. Here, and here, and here, and here, and here, and here, which comments on a poem Dean wrote about me, sorta, back in 1989 or whenever. Can you guess which one?

Saturday, March 26, 2005

Native Americana

I am out back sitting on my screened in porch, enjoying the twilight, the lovely gloaming of birds and early stars, while living the "wired" dream of a wireless internet cloud of the CONTROL CENTER. Alliterate that, biotch. But wait, what's that I hear? "Wooo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo." Some alien bird from South America that shits fire ants? "Wooo woo woo woo woo woo woo woo." NO! It's some stupid fucking kid playing Indian. Have these kids just finished watching an episode of the Lone Ranger or Wild Wild West and are now in the backyard GETTING INTO IT? Is there seriously shit on TV now where a Native American hoots while slapping his hand over his spooled mouth? Who knows, maybe the Illini "Chief" stopped in for a visit -- you know, just for a quick "HOW" and a hatchet dance. It's been a long while since I've excavated my PC Police Uniform from the closet, and I am not about to do so now. I am simply wondering, WHERE DO 9 YEAR OLD KIDS GET THIS??? And what's so great about playing Indian anyway? You mean to tell me that the last 50, nay, 150, nay, 400 YEARS of popular culture has produced no better a childhood villain that the RED MAN?

Friday, March 25, 2005

Music Lessons

1.) Didja Know that the song by Sly & the Family Stone, FAMILY AFFAIR, is actually ABOUT a Family AFFAIR, bro & sis??? Is this like a "different Dads" sorta thing or a straight-up tale of incest in the Ovidian fashion? Heck, I just thought it was a song about how families can be "families," the usual stuff -- you know, Mom being weird (again), Dad trucking off on spontaneous head-clearing errands, "Who ate all the AYDS diet candy?!", &c. Sure helps to know the lyrics!

2.) The end "horn" bits in Soundgarden's "Room a Thousand Years Wide" is THE SAME as the horniness at the end of The Doors' "Touch Me Baby (Can't You See That I am Not Afraid)." Which leads me to my real point: I am fascinated by song titles with parens which complete the Lyric: "Little Red Corvette (Baby you're much too fast)," though I just made that up, since I can't think of any examples from Culture Club.

Help me folks, What's your favorite Song title with a Parenthetical????????? And come on, I want you to GET INTO IT!!!!

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

The Meaning of Biohazard

It ain't a SHARK or some persistently unproven Giant Squid half-eaten by said Shark, but it's BIG and it's a PIG and it's the REAL DEAL yo.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

Gwen Stefanie be UGLY!

"Oh she’s SO HOT!" Fuck you. Did you see her on SNL last night? She looked like that singing frog with proboscis lips in Return of the Jedi, or at least she dances in high heels like said creature, before George Lucas of course "remastered" the beast by making it all CGI and cartoony. Maybe George can give suburban Stefanie a make-over, too. ANYTHING. She ain’t no hoochie mamma by association, definitely not when she holds her arm out in the "Jump, Jump, Jump" gesture, which has now been found to be gay. Bust your browser with this photo, for instance. The idea and pose is "hot," but the effect is my ass with lipstick.

Thursday, March 17, 2005



Wig to the lid of legs.
Book ends
and other deads.

A sorry thing
should be covered with cellophane.

Wax on deficiency,
Wax off.

One leg of television,
one arm of chair,
one bolt of rug,
for a Frankenstein family room.

Mandibles meet
on the pastures of your butt.

Capable of apples.

Creme corduroys
give me the essence
of oreo legs.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Stand Up for Shitting

SURVIVOR was awesome tonight, even though technically it was awesome last Thursday, when it actually aired. But who cares? Ok, first they do a reward challenge where they BUILD a fucking BATHROOM. I love "construction." And I love BATHROOMS, as much as do the Japanese, who sell commodes that weigh your ass and check your blood pressure. Whether they know as well as I do that a rounder ben-jo offers more sworling downward thrust than an ellipitical one is another issue. But I know one thing the Japanese don't: Republicans and rightwingers care far more about shitting than Democrats and left wingers. You mean to tell me there's no left leaning individual who will stand up for shitting? And then for the immunity challenge ... get this: An OCTOGON style brawl, during which "the gay" kicked the redneck's ass twice with a nasty ass pillow. What's more, then I got to see that Ultimate Fighter show on the "guy network." What's it called? Zap, or Stick, or .... hold on, I honestly can't remember the name of that goddamned network. Pride? Zip? Why am I thinking there's a "z" in the name? Ignite? Shark? Attack? SPIKE!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YEAH.

Sunday, February 27, 2005

I've been summoned to wave my shitrag iteratively at CNN.
Thus are collected the sententiae of DER CANER.


What precisely is this cop Lieutenant -- he who holds things in lieu (see, another example . . . ) of the primary possessor -- trying to say?:

"They did such a good job that we were able to use evidence before anyone had
any inkling of what technology would do -- that they did the job so well then
that we could do our job now," Landwehr said.

Full story is here. Haha, no it's not. It's really here.

Thursday, February 24, 2005


Yes, it is awesome that the bones of a GIANT PANDA were discovered in a tomb – A FUCKING TOMB – in China. It’s BAD REPORTING to omit explaining HOW BIG was the creature. And if you don’t have dimensions, then MAKE SOMETHING UP, and make it BIG.

Yes, it is awesome that the SKULL of an Antient Crocko’dille was discovered. It is BAD REPORTING to fail to mention HOW BIG was the creature. And if you don’t have dimensions, so what? Just give us a sketch of a HUGE CROC and be done with it.

On an unrelated note, would that the legislators in the USofGay were half as smart or educated as the Palestinian officials.


Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Spumeus Purificatione

Think back to Stucky's, any Stucky's, in remembrance of the days of liquid soap in hues of bile. Think no more! For whoever patented those "Gojo" soap dispensers that issue FOAMED soap is a fookin genius and has restored dignity to the best of Judaeo-Christian ablutions.

De Ablutiones

I am trying to be more like Austin.
I forgot what a shower could do.
I’ll eat any free pizza.
Tell what it was.
Tell Pat about my katas.
Kiss my car.
Let it do what it does.
Can't see the floor for the flow.
Joan away from Joan.
Whistle and be Wes.
You're the one who loses the phone.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Rock n' Roll Question of the Day

Who is the lead singer for Van Halen? Think deeply on this one, and answer in reference to the Van Halen of 1983. While you are ruminating, also ask yourself, Are the first 10 minutes of a live show REALLY the best time to offer a drum solo?

Well, the answer surely is not David Lee Roth, the mangey chicken on the stage too winded to crow, "baby won’t you look my way." It’s MICHAEL ANTHONY (FAT ASS) singing all the damn songs!

Van Halen live sucks. They used midgets on stage. They played "nothing songs" for half the time, shit you don't ever know or want to hear. And Roth's performance, even in 1983, was like Axel Rose's at the MTV music awards in 2003 -- sucking air, and therefore shit, pointlessly. And worst of all is the banter with the audience, which allows Diamond to resuscitate himself: "Southern California is THE BEST! I just can't believe how GREAT you are. Let me hear how GREAT you are!"

And check your piss: I went and bought Van Halen's first album with my brother in 1978 and even learned Eruption on the guitar in 1984. That's how fucking stupid I am.

But the albums are cool. Fair Warning was my favorite mall walking album.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

It's now OFFICIAL: Australia is NOT an Island WINS!!!

The SORDID LIES of the Australia is BOTH an Island & Continent Movement are definitively revealed! For more read on!

"They" believe that Madagascar is a Continent,
that Europe is really just a series of peninsulas off western Asia,
that Siberia and Alaska are THE SAME,
that Africa is NOT a Continent,
and that Americas are different Continents!!!

Tell your neighbors and call your Congressman IMMEDIATELY.

A, E, I, O, U, and Sometimes Australia!!!

The results are in! An Australian Governmental Official (see email below and especially the first, authoritative link) has given an acceptable answer that furthers the cause of the Australia IS a Continent Not Some Fucking Island movement. There's more to it than that. But who cares? It's a Continent not some stupid Island. Madagascar ain't no damned Continent.


* * * *
Date: Fri, 11 Feb 2005 10:08:05 +1100
From: Mike Maslen

General opinion is that Australia is both the world's largest island and the
world's smallest continent. I found a reasonable web article on this
at http://users.erols.com/jcalder/CONTISLAND.html
although there are many more that are probably more authoritative on this.
One better source may be from Geoscience Australia at http://www.ga.gov.au/ Hope this helps.

Environmental Resources Information Network

Australian Government
Department of Environment &

GBDH 11/02/2005 1:51:12 am

Query: Is Australia an Island or not? I know it's a continent, but if it's a continent, can it be called an island? I am having a debate about this with a friend who's a geographer, and as a [SECURITY CIRCLER], I need a definitive answer to win this
argument, since my only source is my 7th grade Social Studies teacher from 1981. Which is why I am asking you.
Many thanks.

Please reply at:

Monday, February 07, 2005

xXX Two Degrees to Uninhabitable Earth XXx

I think we are absolutely FUCKED. Please read this entire article. Do it. We are FUCKED. And make sure you get your dose of Creationist bullshit: "Some people think that dinosaurs were too big, or there were too many of them, to go on this Ark. However . . . ."

HOW the fuck EVER?

Thursday, January 27, 2005


(for "APT13")

Best submission of a GOLDBLACKDEVILHEAD image WINS!!! Winning entry will be posted here!!!
Keep the submissions coming! There's still time left!

Songs About Fucking (Or not)


GBDH does not like songs, the predominance of which, are "talking songs." Suzanne Vega made the form gay, and I am sorry to say that SLINT lilted right into that trap, and though my colleagues will disparage that asservation, and perhaps rightly so, I will only concede that this band is saved by screaming, when they're not verbalizing their generic allegiences to the Charlie Daniels Band's, "The Legend of Wooley Swamp," which I am listening to right now for strictly research purposes, FUCK YEAH. Whispering songs are also to be strenuously eschewed, per 10cc's "I'm Not In Love": "Be quiet, big boys don't cry, / big boys don't cry." Worse yet is the practice the following dictum forbids: never be in a band that aspires to cover a "talking song," no matter what.

Songs that refer to the way things taste suck. "That sugar cane / tastes so sweet...." a la the Random Lyric Movements of our most global local talent. This detestation is only a sub-set of my general dislike for questions related to the way things "taste," as when a waitron asks, "Sir, does everything taste all right?" You tell me, lady. Is there something I can taste? When a dude asks you, you are to aver, "Get the fuck out of my mouth."

Thursday, January 20, 2005


Ok, so you like to fuck. But where the fuck do you like to bank? Well, bank on having your money held by Republikanz. What I have here is a not so secret list of corporate to the HOTWETBUSH eggnog-a-roll:

Bank of America Corporation Charlotte NC $250,000
Wachovia Corporation Jacksonville FL $250,000

Everyone knows that “Red” the leaping UPS man is a Republikan, and HE'LL KICK YOUR ASS. Surprised?:

United Parcel Service Roswell GA $250,000

Can somebody cut his benefits?

I always knew to shop at Lowe’s for any DIY project. HomeDepot is total crap, and nobody there knows shit. I mean, some bird advised me to use SANDED grout on my bathroom walls! For the LOVE OF GOD, SANDED GROUT?!?! Enough said, and if you don’t know what I am talking about, then HomeDepot’s got a job for you.

The Home Depot Washington DC $250,000
Nope, the kitchen sink has to go.

Pfizer, Inc. New York NY $250,000
And the computer asswell.

Microsoft Corporation Redmond WA $100,000
Source: http://www.inaugural05.com/donors/


Stay tuned .... Portions of THE BOOK are soon to be published here and at publisher's discretion. The forgoing text was sponsored by ISIS's Panopticon.

Monday, January 17, 2005


I woke up this morning to the “I have a dream speech” on the radio. Your stupid white asses ought to know this speech, though you're a lazy fuck if that's all you know about the Rev:

Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. . . . I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood.

Too bad two good pages, http://www.mlkday.com/, and, http://thekingcenter.com (right in HotLanta), are down today. But this one's excellent: http://www.stanford.edu/group/King/.

I live across the street from a very old, rockin’, Bible preachin’, Black church – a small white Cinderbox that thrums with drums, bass, Casio keys, alleluias, and "Welllll" on Sundays and Wednesdays. It’s fucking awesome! I’ll be tuning in tonight on my front porch, you can be sure. You know of course I want to go. But I won’t, lest I appear to be that ModelFag with indy glasses on Amazing Race.

In other news: C E T A C E A N A
FRIENDS, Mastodonians, and Moby Dickers alike. My noise collaborator’s got WHALES! Get ‘em gat ‘em!

Be sorry for WHALES, too.

Be mindful of the Quæstio of the day: “Do I really want to stay in an organization where the sole purpose is to kill?” Let me think about that one. . . .

Thursday, January 13, 2005

From Fuck-0ff Ombudsman . . .

Meet the "SEMI-TERRORIST" who’s got a ballsy agit-praxis.

Fuck You of the day:
"Therefore, the sticker must be removed from all of the textbooks into which it has been placed." fUCK yOU pARENTS oF cOBB cOUNTY sCH()()L dickstrict.

Cooking Tip of the day:
"A sorry thing
should be covered with cellophane."

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

This just in!

.Lord.of.Locusts. kindly mentions the following script by GBDH:

Check out these two SteveMcClureMovies, however:

. . . . in addition to the MentiriPaintings:

In closing:

Man or woman, we all have a butthole.
You see what the rain does:
Behind every face is a fuck-up.
Put the flag on the moon for her.
Trapper Keeper,
take her, leave her.
My Budweiser raft is the best.

Monday, January 10, 2005

January 20th, 2005

Uncle Sam’s Cereal!
It’s America across
the world, sorry very much.
View-master viewer sunrise,
Peggy sees, sees also Moe
cancered out, cleaning out his colon
with the Republicans.
"What’s the name
of that store that’s not Kmart?,"
he asks, helps him think of something else.
in principio erat Verbum