Wednesday, June 29, 2005

One year ago today, we restored sovereignty to the Iraqi people

Gay Republicans are Gay. So, too, are Black Republicans. Fuck you if you have a problem with that. Onto more National news. I saw the town hall meeting on MSNBC with Chris Matthews, a forum set to discuss the president’s speech last night. Are there REALLY people who think that Bush’s speech said ANYTHING to clarify what’s going on in Iraq, or what we are doing there, or why we went? Old questions, I know, but impeachable offenses, which of course don't rise to the level of a High Crime evidenced by a jizzed upon blue dress. I mean, a true gentleman would daub you with his briefs post coitus. Yet listening to that meeting, I began to realize that there’s a general lack of Critical Thinking in the US population, as when I hear the mother of a US soldier say, "It was re-assuring to hear our president address the nation and discuss his plans for I-raq." Shut up. Listen, Laura Ashley, I’m sorry your life sucks and that you worry about your son. I’m sorry that it makes you feel better to believe in SOMETHING, to believe that a man who looks like the Mad Magazine Guy actually cares about you or your son. But don’t go on national television and expect me to listen to your stupid bullshit, because you are still an uneducated idiot who clearly doesn’t read much and who lacks any skill in analyzing canned language.

If I sound like a fucker for saying that, then, Haha, NOT SORRY. Which leads me to this: you often hear the conservative complaint that Universities are filled with Lefties. Guess what? You need a PhD to teach in one. Ever think about this as YOUR problem - ie., your obvious lack of intellect, cultural sophistication, or education? Don't blame me for your stupidity, and don't make me teach some magical bullshit as to the origins of the World because you are unable to think. What's at work here is not only the bizarre fantasy of "Think for yourself." In fact, I disavow that bullshit notion, because no one thinks for himself or herself: you think by learning, and you learn to think. Thinking for yourself only leads to "opinions" that are inevitably suburban and gay. There remains also this bizarre fantasy for "balance" in education. First, teach Evolution, which is already a self-correcting theory (any scientist will tell you that); then, teach BULLSHIT, but WHAT is it that you are teaching? What the fuck IS intelligent design, and do I teach the Catholic, Methodist, Hindoo, or Baptist version, or ALL OF THEM? And do literature professors even teach this shit? For me, this all translates into the following classroom protocol: "OK, class, Beowulf is about a Danish hero. BUT, we have to value the other side because they are stupid and need to be placated because they have a modicum of political power and are recognized by Politicians Without Balls (PWB), so write this down right next to that: Beowulf is about a used car salesman trying to make his way." I'm going to do this for now on in my lectures. But I see the point: it's just too FRENCH to value intellectuals, much less education or facts. If educated persons who read broadly not only in global issues but in the humanities procline lefwardly, that might mean something, DUUUUUUH. Don't blame intellectuals. If you feel left out or less than "elite," then go read a fucking book or two, moron, go learn a language or three, go TRAVEL somewhere and leave your pale American cultural values behind, for you can eat at McDonald's when you get back. Be humble. You are too stupid to be mean. And if you are stupid, then your opinions are GAY.

Will someone PLEASE fucking tar and feather Carl Cameron?

I'd put a caption here, but doing so forces me to use the word "gay" once again.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Dialogus Super Transformerenses

gbdh: dunno what that is
apt13isdead: click on damn link
gbdh: i did, fuckergay
apt13isdead: transformers instructions
gbdh: that's your age group, not mine. too old for those silly toys. never thot they were cool. i stopped at Micronauts and Star Wars figures. sorry, child.
apt13isdead: faggot
apt13isdead: you are sooooo much older than me
gbdh: how old are you?
apt13isdead: 32
gbdh: ok, you are 32 and i am 37. you are right.
gbdh: but take it back to "childhood."
gbdh: i am 16 fucking girls. you are 11 dickless years old staring at dickless Transformers.
apt13isdead: ha!
apt13isdead: even if you are an "old guy" you should still be able to appreciate how cool those instructions are, so go get gay

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Hot Wet Bush Administration, take two.

I'm in a bad political mood today, and it seems to get worse and worse. So I dropped the DrudgeReport this line to commend his "reporting":

Great, you put in RED info concerning a "memo" involving the UN's Annan and the "food for oil" program for pre-invasion Iraq. But any memo involving Bush that fucking liar who brought us to WAR in Iraq, Noooooo, nothing. You're as terribly on your knees as all the rest of the media.

But then I read this and thought, Fuuuuuuuck:

"Hard work is seeing your son's murder on CNN one Sunday evening while you're enjoying the last supper you'll ever truly enjoy again. Hard work is having three military officers come to your house a few hours later to confirm the aforementioned murder of your son, your first-born, your kind and gentle sweet baby. Hard work is burying your child 46 days before his 25th birthday. Hard work is holding your other three children as they lower the body of their big (brother) into the ground. Hard work is not jumping in the grave with him and having the earth cover you both," she said. Since her son's death, Sheehan has made opposition to the Bush administration a full-time job. "We're watching you very carefully and we're going to do everything in our power to have you impeached for misleading the American people," she said, quoting a letter she sent to the White House. "Beating a political stake in your black heart will be the fulfillment of my life ... "

Most of my friends seem not to care about politics too much, or are at least aren't as sensitive and vociferous as I am when it comes to such things. But for fuck's sake, how helpless can one feel with this Goddamned Asshole Son of a Bitch BUSH in office? It sucks. I'm disheartened by the whole fucking thing, including the election still, and vicariously despair when I think upon folks who have to look into the grave of their KIA son, brother, daughter, friend and at the same time imagine that fucking shit-eating grin on the face of George W. Bush, the man responsible for your loved one's death and the stupidest and most arrogant moron alive, who lied lied LIED to bring this country to war and global disrepute.

And for you who voted for Bush: thanks a lot and fuck you. NAME ONE GOOD THING THAT'S HAPPENED IN THESE LAST FOUR, GOING ON FIVE, YEARS. And don't say, "Well, uh, we haven't been attacked!," unless you know how to prove a negative, shit-wit. On second thought, you might actually be quite good at that, since "proving" negatives is Bush's forte (hello, WMD in Iraq?). Maybe you can explain your vote to this mom and issue silly platitudes about war and terrorism as if you know what the fuck you are talking about.

Will you P.L.E.A.S.E take a brief moment from your boring fucking life and sign a petition to impeach Bush? Trust that your voice will be heard this way more so than in the last election. This one by Rep. John Conyers -- he's Black! (see last post) -- is the most urgent, from my pov. For background info, go here.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Howard Dean & "The Blacks" (Now That's a Band Name!)

Yes, as Howard Dean said, the Republican Party IS "pretty much a white Christian party." Why are the Republicans SO SHOCKED about that, demanding that Dean apologize for the remark?! IT IS TRUE. What about "the Republican party is pretty much a white Christian party" do you not fucking understand? You are right there in Washington. You don’t see it yourself? Here's the MATH for you lying fuckwits.

US House of Representatives?: ZERO BLACK Republicans! Scroll down the left frame and click on "African-Americans."

US Senate: ZERO BLACK Republicans!

Those fellow Democrats need to shut the fuck up, too, and not "back away" from what Dean says. Howard Fineman and Tamara Lipper, how small are your journalistic dicks for imparting this wisdom to us about why Dean's remark is "wrong"?: "Wise guys of both camps viewed the statement as a blunder, because, well, most Americans are white Christians." AND SO? IDIOTS will do anything to avoid talking about RACE.

ARGH! BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEARGH! Yeah baby, if I were Dean, I’d at least be using the words, "Republicans are assholes. George Bush is an Idiot. Dick Cheney is the slimiest fucker to slither into politics." But then that would make me a DemoCrap.


Red Tide.
Spore Spray.
Moths on Drugs.

PLUS ("+") also an additional bonus: for three days I scolded CNN for burying important stories for the sake of stupid stories. So we have this item, which concerns how a leading member of Bush’s "environmental team" also happens to be an oil industry insider who EDITS science reports on the accepted link between global warming and fossil fuel emissions and turns them into excuses for sitting on their hands with respect to Kyoto.

The New York Times led with this story; it’s actually the product of their own journalistic investigation. Yet on CuNNilungus.Cock this item is not even listed ANYWHERE on the main page! It’s the FOURTH item under Science, less news worthy than "New shipwrecks found in Hawaiian archipelagos" or "Study: Possible ice volcano on Titan." So my message this last time was a poem:
From: One Idiot
To: Another
Wait, forget it.
Bi Bim Bap!
Grow Some Balls.
But hey, today we learn that the "environmental scientist" in the White House resigns. Yeah! This news is on CNN's front page but under "Science and Space." Go figure.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Fuck The Family

Let's see, top news item for the day on CNN.suck concerns a MISSING TEEN in Aruba. Fuck that stupid blond bitch. WHO FUCKING CARES? "But THE FAMILY cares." Know what, the NATION don't give a shit! What about the four TEENS killed in Iraq today? Don't give a shit about that either, I guess is the thinking. But hey, the savvy International edition of CNN informs us that "there is a genetic basis to female orgasm." What, orgasms have something to do with the body? I've been wasting chocolate and flowers all these years.

Apathetics, click here and tell CNN how STUPID they are. Here's my letter:

Why on earth would the headline on CNN.COM concern the "missing teen" in Aruba? As if that is of more "national importance" than four US soldiers DYING in Iraq! This is exactly the problem with the so-called media: silly dramatic stories distracting our national attention from anything actually worth thinking about. While we're at it, what's the latest on the Runaway Bride over whom you obsessed so much? THE NATION IS DYING TO KNOW! I'm joking, but I'm serious. Stop this, and do your job.

Saturday, June 04, 2005


To blimmage (inf.): 1.a.) typically to smudge an item for sale in a store while the clerk isn’t looking. "When he had the chance, his cousin took it upon himself to BLIMMAGE a few greeting cards."

Stay tuned for other WORDs OF THE DAY, which shall be presented as soon as I dream about them. Previous and unannounced WORDs OF THE DAY may be posted, but by me only, because you're not funny. Thanks!

Thursday, June 02, 2005

"The Blast Blasted Blubber Beyond All Believable Bounds"

"The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere. Pieces of meat passed high over our heads while others were falling at our feet. . . . Everyone on the scene was covered with small particles of dead whale."

Don’t be an EGGY wussy. CLICK IT!

It’s only conceptually gross, not visually! You can't see the gross stuff, because the footage is from the 70s, shot at a good distance, and rather pixilated in the conversion to digital. It's the narration that's simply, like our pancakes, THE BEST!

But, if you want something gross and Exploding-Whale related to look at while you get ready for lunch, TRY THIS!