Friday, November 30, 2007

Evel Knieval, R.I.P.

I love the 70s for many reasons, and one of them is the daredevil Evel Knieval, who is now resting in peace, but who was the perfect real time complement to the awesomeness of the Bigfoot-defeating Bionic Man. Somewhere in that cultural mix, there's JAWS and the theme song to the Rockford Files, in addition to other popular successes and excesses of that great decade. It was the age of Ayds before AIDS and Ronald Fucking Reagan. I mean, hell yeah:
Knievel's most famous stunt was probably an attempt to jump the quarter-mile wide Snake River Canyon in 1974 on his rocket-powered "Sky-Cycle."
I saw this on TV, too. Fucking crazy. I used to play "Evel Knieval" with my friends, which involved riding our banana seated Schwinns with tassles at each handgrip up and down the street and doing fake crashes onto the lawn. This was just before BMX style bikes became all the rage, and only Huffy was making motorcycle-looking, black-framed bikes with off-road wheels, but otherwise, if you went with a Schwinn, you had chrome fenders and seat backs, otiose springs and spirals, and others sorts of ornamenta. You were cool (and spoiled).

Is there a youTube clip of the Snake River Canyon attempt? There is, but I happen to like this clip, because he's jumping over Mack Trucks. How awesome were Mack trucks in the 70s!? VERY AWESOME, and the move Convoy with Kris Kristofferson taught you this, and if you were jumping over those square hooded rigs in the 70s, then you were superhuman. Here's a mack truck a la Convoy:

And here is the jump:


The Best Song in the Universe II; Or, OK you pussies!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Going Postal

This just in:
"my parents got this in their mailbox after someone knocked it over. no joke!!

::sent from my mobile::" :

[click image to enlargen]
Dwyer Residence: 11/20/07
US Postal Regulations require mailboxes
to be 24" to 48" from the ground and
no more than 24" from the curb.
I am not a damn Dwarf. Do you expect
me to TO climb my black ass down
from my mail truck, crawl on my hands
and knees to deliver your mail?
Please fix your mailbox ASAP.
Have a Bless Day,
Your Mail Carrier

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Texas Man, Randy Taylor, Doesn't Know Where You People Come From And Can't Take and Feed A Family of Five On a Little 12 OZ Roll of Sausage

". . . And they put it in that FUCKN pussy roll of sausage. Son of a bitch. Somebody need their ass kicked. Some little consumer geek-a-roid thought this shit up. Save money, yeah, save money, save money. Fuck, I wanna eat god damn it!"

-- Randy Taylor

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Ted Hafer

Ted, neighbor, rest in peace.
We will always have fond memories of you -
drinks with you and J after the Beck show,
handstands on the green at GA power on the Fourth.
Just saw you a couple of days ago.
We wanted to know if you carved our pumpkin.
We are sad to see you leave.
Everyone is.


We're neighbors with Ted and Jessica, and are saddened so deeply to know we'll never run into him again. Last I saw him was on Wednesday. It pains me to think that was the last time. He was always funny, and generous to us in these random ways, like leaving some Grit goodies on our front door last Christmas. And once, while we were pulling out of our driveway, he came cruising up the street real fast in that green boxy van and came close to hitting us. Then later that evening, he left us a note on piece of paper bag, cut out neatly in a square: "[ ], I AM SO SORRY. We were rushing to get home, and the kids were revolting in the back. I didn't mean to cut you off. NEVER AGAIN!!! Call me at xxx-xxxx so I can apologize." He also left a message on C's voicemail to this effect, getting her number by calling around. There was another time when C was hanging her art at The Grit, and one of her paintings came crashing down off the wall, glass shattering and all. Ted was totally cool about the whole disastrous thing, and in fact, he suggested that they meet when The Grit was closed, on New Year’s Day, of all times, so he could help her hang her stuff. Incidentals like these -- and there are so many more -- led us to think of Ted as a sweet guy. In light of the funeral today, it couldn’t be clearer that he was hugely influential and really loved, more than we really knew. He had a goofy smile, as one person said this afternoon. He did. I’ll never forget it.


Thursday, November 01, 2007

Sorry Democrats Volume 3

Actually, this does not qualify for my running thread (which you can find here, here, or here) of Sorry Democrats apologizing to Republicans for calling it like they see it. But the following news brief counts precisely because we know that our Elven hope, Dennis Kucinich, will not apologize for his statements that Bush is fucking crazy ("oh chiiii-eeeee-yild," for all you GNR fans out there):
Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich questioned President Bush's mental health in light of comments he made about a nuclear Iran precipitating World War III. "I seriously believe we have to start asking questions about his mental health," Kucinich, an Ohio congressman, said in an interview with The Philadelphia Inquirer's editorial board on Tuesday. "There's something wrong. He does not seem to understand his words have real impact."
My only criticism is that he didn’t insist that the president is also fucking stupid, and scary stupid for bandying about the idea of WWIII ("I've told people that if you're interested in avoiding World War III, it seems like you ought to be interested in preventing them (Iran) from having the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon"). I mean, anyone who wants to speak of it wants to see it, and will likely START IT. The psychology here is similar to a televangelist who speaks about how evil homosexuality is (like WWIII being, er, a bad thing) but really wants to lick a man from the asshole to the glans in one continuous motion ("bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran").

But will we see an apology from Kucinich, who is a tiny man with huge balls and a hot wife? No way no how:
Kucinich said he doesn't believe his comments about the president's mental health are irresponsible, according to a story posted on the newspaper's Web site. "You cannot be a president of the United States who's wanton in his expression of violence," Kucinich said. "There's a lot of people who need care. He might be one of them. If there isn't something wrong with him, then there's something wrong with us. This, to me, is a very serious question."
And what do Republicans say?: “In response, Republican National Committee spokesman Dan Ronayne said it was hard to take Kucinich seriously.” It is hard indeed. The truth hurts, even when you assume that "wide stance".