Monday, December 24, 2007

Enter the Ninja (Kicking Ass then as now)

This is a video from May 1986 that my buddies and I made (and starred in) for a final project for Mrs. Beckman's New Media class at Naperville North High School. This vid was shown at the end-of-the-year assembly, and even won us delinquents a prize, which we claimed on stage during Honor's Day, for chrissakes. We were inspired to make this because we all hated North, and were generally bored with life. If it weren't for Mrs. Beckman, we'd have nothing but eggy memories of that place. We shot this on 3/4" video tape, edited on machines with those rotary dials. Only the fucktards did New Media back then, and that was us, along with three others: one Morbidly Obese Soul who shot the football games, a one Bruce Dyker (the kid who got his ass kicked in this vid - by me - but showed us all a good many of the ropes), and one effeminate bald older man who may or may not have been a teacher but had some special room in the upper library with access to all the techMology. He was cool.

Of course, the vids by kids are much slicker these days. But that's because life is now so much more mediated at such a younger age, technology so much more advanced and handy (literally). Just check out the other samplings on youtube from this same highschool, which btw resembles nothing I recollect and seems now to be one huge fucking foodcourt. I'm about to launch into an "Ubi sunt..." about burnouts and the smoking lounge. I really want to say: believe it or not, for back then, this vid was pretty good.

I mean, you lucky 16 year-old bastards: you have online porn, while we had to dig up Penthouses from 1978 from the forest preserve and then deploy Gadamerian hermeneutics to make any erotic sense out of hairy pussy pics that the elements had rendered utterly unintelligible. We back then understood the meaning behind Freud's famous question, "What is Woman?" You just have no idea what it's like not to know what a pussy "is," much less looks like, until you encounter one in real life. On a side note, the girl in the vid was the first girl I ever kissed -- in seventh grade -- in Jim Morgan's basement during a spin-the-bottle party. She was hot, with that feathered hair. Nice ass too. But I digress, since thinking about highschool also presents the risk of infinite regress. Anyway, to close this sub-routine, I've more than caught up with you jerkers-offers, and I could still kick your ass anyway, so without further adoooooo, I present the long awaited-for digitally remastered (i.e., compressed and now more shitty) . . .

. . . 20th Anniversary Edition!!! (more or less):

Friday, December 07, 2007

RUSH IN RIO

If you like Rush, or if you don’t but want to see a good concert vid, or if you want a compelling reason why you should like them so that you may fucking understand why they are the only 70s/80s/90s band that doesn’t have to tour in Viagra-Rogain collectives like STYX-JOURNEY-DEF LEPPARD to fill a stupid venue, then, Dearest Reader, by all means get the DVD “Rush in Rio,” so that you may understand why Rush still fills a goddamned soccer stadium to the gills with insane fans.

And yes, blame it on Rio. Holy shit! Brasil has the BEST FANS EVER. Honestly. Have you ever seen a mosh pit the size of a football field? I thinketh not. So imagine a stadium packed with fans celebrating the sound more intensely than they would a soccer game, over which they are already known to go utter apeshit. Get the picture?

This DVD beats all the previous live Rush concert vids, and it does so, hands down. It also beats all of the Rush concerts I’ve seen since the early ‘80s. It made me cry in joy. I swear to GOD. AND THESE ARE PEOPLE IN THEIR 20S! They were born AFTER Moving Pictures! They are fans. GODDAMNIT!

And so to the modern day warriors of Brasil, I genuflect before you and offer this GOLDBLACKDEVILHEAD <GOLDGOD> MESSAGE [XverifiedX]:

MY FRIENDS IN BRASIL, BOM DIA!!! YOU ROCK! I LOVE YOUR PORN, BUT YOU ARE THE BEST RUSH FANS IN THE WORLD!!! AND YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN AND THE BEST JIU-JITSU FIGHTERS ON EARTH!!! SAÚDE! LONG LIVE BRASIL AND THE JEWEL THAT IS RIO!!!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Hand of Doom Meets Fate in Ass of Hadrosaur

Rule one on publishing articles about dinosaurs and especially about NEW DISCOVERIES about the dinosaur kingdom:
ALWAYS INCLUDE A PICTURE OF THE DINOSAUR UNDER DISCUSSION.
But I can be forgiving of any article that offers such stimulating and frankly rather profound prose:
They also found a second fossil called the "the hand of doom." The clawed foot belongs to a species of crocodile that may have been dining on a Hadrosaur soon after it died in a riverbed. It could have crawled up the back passage of the animal, went to get the guts and ended up stuck.
Wow.





Friday, November 30, 2007

Evel Knieval, R.I.P.

I love the 70s for many reasons, and one of them is the daredevil Evel Knieval, who is now resting in peace, but who was the perfect real time complement to the awesomeness of the Bigfoot-defeating Bionic Man. Somewhere in that cultural mix, there's JAWS and the theme song to the Rockford Files, in addition to other popular successes and excesses of that great decade. It was the age of Ayds before AIDS and Ronald Fucking Reagan. I mean, hell yeah:
Knievel's most famous stunt was probably an attempt to jump the quarter-mile wide Snake River Canyon in 1974 on his rocket-powered "Sky-Cycle."
I saw this on TV, too. Fucking crazy. I used to play "Evel Knieval" with my friends, which involved riding our banana seated Schwinns with tassles at each handgrip up and down the street and doing fake crashes onto the lawn. This was just before BMX style bikes became all the rage, and only Huffy was making motorcycle-looking, black-framed bikes with off-road wheels, but otherwise, if you went with a Schwinn, you had chrome fenders and seat backs, otiose springs and spirals, and others sorts of ornamenta. You were cool (and spoiled).

Is there a youTube clip of the Snake River Canyon attempt? There is, but I happen to like this clip, because he's jumping over Mack Trucks. How awesome were Mack trucks in the 70s!? VERY AWESOME, and the move Convoy with Kris Kristofferson taught you this, and if you were jumping over those square hooded rigs in the 70s, then you were superhuman. Here's a mack truck a la Convoy:




















And here is the jump:



As I said last year, EVERYTHING GOES WITH EVEL KNIEVEL!!!

The Best Song in the Universe II; Or, OK you pussies!

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Going Postal

This just in:
"my parents got this in their mailbox after someone knocked it over. no joke!!

::sent from my mobile::" :


[click image to enlargen]
Dwyer Residence: 11/20/07
From
US Postal Regulations require mailboxes
to be 24" to 48" from the ground and
no more than 24" from the curb.
I am not a damn Dwarf. Do you expect
me to TO climb my black ass down
from my mail truck, crawl on my hands
and knees to deliver your mail?
Please fix your mailbox ASAP.
Have a Bless Day,
Your Mail Carrier

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Texas Man, Randy Taylor, Doesn't Know Where You People Come From And Can't Take and Feed A Family of Five On a Little 12 OZ Roll of Sausage


". . . And they put it in that FUCKN pussy roll of sausage. Son of a bitch. Somebody need their ass kicked. Some little consumer geek-a-roid thought this shit up. Save money, yeah, save money, save money. Fuck, I wanna eat god damn it!"

-- Randy Taylor

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Ted Hafer

Ted, neighbor, rest in peace.
We will always have fond memories of you -
drinks with you and J after the Beck show,
handstands on the green at GA power on the Fourth.
Just saw you a couple of days ago.
We wanted to know if you carved our pumpkin.
We are sad to see you leave.
Everyone is.

http://www.myspace.com/pornorchard

_____________________________________

We're neighbors with Ted and Jessica, and are saddened so deeply to know we'll never run into him again. Last I saw him was on Wednesday. It pains me to think that was the last time. He was always funny, and generous to us in these random ways, like leaving some Grit goodies on our front door last Christmas. And once, while we were pulling out of our driveway, he came cruising up the street real fast in that green boxy van and came close to hitting us. Then later that evening, he left us a note on piece of paper bag, cut out neatly in a square: "[ ], I AM SO SORRY. We were rushing to get home, and the kids were revolting in the back. I didn't mean to cut you off. NEVER AGAIN!!! Call me at xxx-xxxx so I can apologize." He also left a message on C's voicemail to this effect, getting her number by calling around. There was another time when C was hanging her art at The Grit, and one of her paintings came crashing down off the wall, glass shattering and all. Ted was totally cool about the whole disastrous thing, and in fact, he suggested that they meet when The Grit was closed, on New Year’s Day, of all times, so he could help her hang her stuff. Incidentals like these -- and there are so many more -- led us to think of Ted as a sweet guy. In light of the funeral today, it couldn’t be clearer that he was hugely influential and really loved, more than we really knew. He had a goofy smile, as one person said this afternoon. He did. I’ll never forget it.

_____________________________________

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Sorry Democrats Volume 3

Actually, this does not qualify for my running thread (which you can find here, here, or here) of Sorry Democrats apologizing to Republicans for calling it like they see it. But the following news brief counts precisely because we know that our Elven hope, Dennis Kucinich, will not apologize for his statements that Bush is fucking crazy ("oh chiiii-eeeee-yild," for all you GNR fans out there):
Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich questioned President Bush's mental health in light of comments he made about a nuclear Iran precipitating World War III. "I seriously believe we have to start asking questions about his mental health," Kucinich, an Ohio congressman, said in an interview with The Philadelphia Inquirer's editorial board on Tuesday. "There's something wrong. He does not seem to understand his words have real impact."
My only criticism is that he didn’t insist that the president is also fucking stupid, and scary stupid for bandying about the idea of WWIII ("I've told people that if you're interested in avoiding World War III, it seems like you ought to be interested in preventing them (Iran) from having the knowledge necessary to make a nuclear weapon"). I mean, anyone who wants to speak of it wants to see it, and will likely START IT. The psychology here is similar to a televangelist who speaks about how evil homosexuality is (like WWIII being, er, a bad thing) but really wants to lick a man from the asshole to the glans in one continuous motion ("bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran").

But will we see an apology from Kucinich, who is a tiny man with huge balls and a hot wife? No way no how:
Kucinich said he doesn't believe his comments about the president's mental health are irresponsible, according to a story posted on the newspaper's Web site. "You cannot be a president of the United States who's wanton in his expression of violence," Kucinich said. "There's a lot of people who need care. He might be one of them. If there isn't something wrong with him, then there's something wrong with us. This, to me, is a very serious question."
And what do Republicans say?: “In response, Republican National Committee spokesman Dan Ronayne said it was hard to take Kucinich seriously.” It is hard indeed. The truth hurts, even when you assume that "wide stance".

Thursday, October 25, 2007

The Randy Couture of the Artworld Speaks

Date: Tue, 23 Oct 2007 09:09:47 -0400
From: Steven McClure
To: GBDH
Subject: Jesus

A dream- you had just ambushed my house to make
a Youtube video. Then later before the party I asked
you to clean the sink- and suddenly there is spaghetti everywhere
and I am yelling "you are CLEANING like a madman."
Then you say laughing "I am from the south can you show me your
drinking."

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

The 80% Rule: Men & Women

The following research published in the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences confirms earlier original research sponsored by GBDH:

The men also appeared to be much less choosy. Men tended to select nearly every woman above a certain minimum attractiveness threshold, Todd said. Women's actual choices, like men's, did not reflect their stated preferences, but they made more discriminating choices, the researchers found.

GBDH has termed the "minimum attractiveness threshold" the "80% rule." In the eyes of a heteromale, a prospective female is already 80% attractive and fuckable simply by Being a Woman. No additional preening is necessary. Such a scientifically verified figure can put women at ease in the knowledge that they already earn a B- in the eyes of their counterparts even if their performance is a F. Likewise, but inversely, the male attractability score rises when males are "doing," performing, and Being (not Looking) Awesome. Men who do nothing are seldom fuckably attractive to the female human monkey. Granted, both men and women "must work it" in equally complex ways, but only men can be ugly and still get their fuck on, though women do have 20% wiggle room in this respect.

I find these performative and ontological questions of gender to be interesting for the division of labor it demands for both sexes respectively. Readers who've done extensive research in the homosexualist arts can contribute in the comment section.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Fox on the Run (1975)

Hell yeah:



Readers love it, too:

"Yep, one of the best and un-matched to this day! The talent is just not out there anymore."

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Richard Jewell: R.I.P.

















Rest in peace guy. Man, did they fuck you, so you get the last word:


"I never sought to be a hero. I have always viewed myself as just one of the many trained professionals who simply did his or her job that tragic night. I wish I could have done more."

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Freud, Feet, Fetishism: Pussy Foot or Penis Foot?

Experts agree. “The feature that makes the Pussy Foot even better than an actual foot is the pussy located on the sole of the foot. You can passionately fuck the foot in a way you’ve never been able to before. It is the perfect combination of foot and vagina” (JT's Stockroom).

Sure, make no mistake, everything's "better" with a pussy on it. But let's theorize! Is this pussy foot a species of fetishism when it offers "the perfect combination of foot and vagina"? Why is this combination "perfect"? Why must a vagina go on a foot and not a forearm? Perhaps the answer comes in the familiar adage: a cigar is not always a cigar, a foot is not always a foot. Yes, we need Freud!

Freud writes in his classic essay on fetishism:
To put it plainly: the fetish is a substitute for the woman's (mother's) phallus which the little boy once believed in and does not wish to forgo — we know why. What had happened, therefore, was that the boy had refused to take cognizance of the fact perceived by him that a woman has no penis. No, that cannot be true, for if a woman can be castrated then his own penis is in danger, and against that there rebels part of his narcissism which Nature has providentially attached to this particular organ. (205). Aversion from the real female genitals, which is never lacking in any fetish ist, also remains as an indelible stigma of the repression that has taken place. One can now see what the fetish achieves and how it is enabled to persist. It remains a token of triumph over the threat of castration and a safeguard against it; it also saves the fetishist from being a homosexual by endowing women with the attribute which makes them acceptable as sexual objects. In later life the fetishist sees other advantages in his substitute for the genital. The significance of fetishes is not known to the world at large and therefore not prohibited; they are easily obtainable and sexual gratification by their means is thus very convenient. The fetishist has no trouble in getting what other men have to woo and exert themselves to obtain. (206). Thus the foot or shoe owes its attraction as a fetish, or part of it, to the circumstance that the inquisitive boy used to peer up the woman's legs towards her genitals. (207)
In what seems to be a reversal of the Freudian position, the pussy-foot literalizes castration by actually depicting the pussy on the foot! The foot is no longer cherished as the pre-traumatic image, the last thing seen before glimpsing the traumatic site of castration. Rather, this sex-toy supplies no substitutions whatsoever: you get the foot and the very thing that makes you want to love the foot in the first place, the pussy. This is brilliant. It can be concluded, then, that this sex toy provides for a new kind of fetishism, one that is perhaps cynical, one that "knows" precisely the theoretical stakes of fetishism and that won't, contra Freud, "disavow" the absurdity or reality of fetishism, whereby the fetishist steals away to have a moment with his own idiosyncratic desire (see 208). Here, rather, the logic is: "I'd rather fuck a foot than a pussy; nay, I'd rather fuck a foot that IS a pussy!"

In some sense, however, Freud is right by getting it wrong: the sheer existence of this sex toy proves it. Why, after all, would anyone want to fuck a foot? Why was such as sex toy even imagined in the first place????

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Crying Over Spilled Sperm

Why women who don't use condoms feel happier

The finding that women who do not use condoms during sex are less depressed and less likely to attempt suicide than are women who have sex with condoms and women who are not sexually active, leads one researcher to conclude that semen contains powerful—and potentially addictive—mood-altering chemicals.

Study author Gordon G. Gallup, Ph.D., a psychologist at the State University of New York in Albany, also found that women who routinely had intercourse without condoms became increasingly depressed as more time elapsed since their last sexual encounter. There was no such correlation for women whose partners regularly used condoms.

Gallup's survey of 293 college women also found that those who did not use condoms were most likely to initiate sex and to seek out new partners as soon as a relationship ended. "These women are more vulnerable to the rebound effect, which suggests that there is a chemical dependency," says Gallup.

Semen contains hormones including testosterone, estrogen, prolactin, luteinizing hormone and prostaglandins, and some of these are absorbed through the walls of the vagina and are known to elevate mood.

Gallup controlled for variables including method of contraception, frequency of sexual intercourse, as well as the women's perception of their relationship. He concedes that women who regularly have sex without condoms might share personality traits that make them less susceptible to depression. But the behavior most often associated with non-condom users is sexual risk-taking, and studies have found no correlation between high-risk sexual behavior and lower rates of depression.

Gallup's study, which he deems "the first serious attempt to investigate the effect of semen chemistry on women," titillated the public and rankled some academics upon publication in Archives of Sexual Behavior. Gallup says he has since replicated the findings with a sample of 700 women and will examine whether "semen withdrawal" places women at an increased risk for depression when they are premenstrual, menopausal or have just given birth, as many women abstain from sex during these periods. -- Tiffany Kary

Tay Zonday - "Chocolate Rain"

New internets sensation!!!

Listen, read along, and leeeeeeeearn:





Lyrix:

Chocolate Rain
Some stay dry and others feel the pain.
Chocolate Rain
A baby born will die before the sin.

Chocolate Rain
The school books say it can't be here again.
Chocolate Rain
The prisons make you wonder where it went.

Chocolate Rain
Build a tent and say the world is dry.
Chocolate Rain
Zoom the camera out and see the lie.

Chocolate Rain
Forecast to be falling yesterday.
Chocolate Rain
Only in the past is what they say.

Chocolate Rain
Raised your neighborhood insurance rates.
Chocolate Rain
Makes us happy livin' in a gate.

Chocolate Rain
Made me cross the street the other day.
Chocolate Rain
Made you turn your head the other way.

Chorus:
Chocolate Rain
History quickly crashing through your veins.
Chocolate Rain
Using you to fall back down again.

Chocolate Rain
Seldom mentioned on the radio.
Chocolate Rain
Its the fear your leaders call control.

Chocolate Rain
Worse than swearing worse than calling names.
Chocolate Rain
Say it publicly and you're insane.

Chocolate Rain
No one wants to hear about it now.
Chocolate Rain
Wish real hard it goes away somehow.

Chocolate Rain
Makes the best of friends begin to fight.
Chocolate Rain
But did they know each other in the light?

Chocolate Rain
Every February washed away.
Chocolate Rain
Stays behind as colors celebrate.

Chocolate Rain
The same crime has a higher price to pay.
chocolate Rain
The judge and jury swear it's not the face.

Chorus:
Chocolate Rain
History quickly crashing through your veins.
Chocolate Rain
Using you to fall back down again.

Chocolate Rain
Dirty secrets of economy.
Chocolate Rain
Turns that body into GDP.

Chocolate Rain
The bell curve blames the baby's DNA.
Chocolate Rain
But test scores are how much the parents make.

Chocolate Rain
'Flippin cars in France the other night.
Chocolate Rain
Cleans the sewers out beneath Mumbai.

Chocolate Rain
'Cross the world and back its all the same.
Chocolate Rain
Angels cry and shake their heads in shame.

Chocolate Rain
Lifts the ark of paradise in sin.
Chocolate Rain
Which part do you think you're livin' in?

Chocolate Rain
More than 'marchin more than passing law.
Chocolate Rain
Remake how we got to where we are.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

VICELAND's BEST "DO"

This should give women a good idea of the range of acceptable winter outfits. On the high end we have knee-high boots with heels (wedges are cheating but we’ll let that slip today) and everything else super tight. Then on the low end we have comfy pants gussied up with some kind of Marc Jacobs-y coat and scarf. One implies wealth and class with an impeccably-kempt bush while the other implies fun and a sense of humor with an impeccably-kempt bush.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

RUSH in Atlanta: June 13, 2007 Hi Fi Buys Arena

June 13, 2007. Atlanta, GA. GBHD.
Rush first live show for Snakes & Arrows Tour


T
he show -- the tour opener -- was excellent, comprising of three hours of music - about 28 songs supported by Kiss style explosions, green lasers, fog, Close Encounters stage lights, five video screens (three on center, two flanking at an angle).

Rush played many hits and several deep cuts into their older albums, going back only as far as the albums 2112 ("Passage to Bangkok") and Hemispheres (“Circumstances”). What most struck me about the concert - and this was my first “stadium show” in 15 years - was the extent to which it was a family affair. In many cases, I was unsure whether the father was bringing the kids, or the kids bringing the father, or both. Likewise, Was that granny singing along to Limelight? A fifty year old dude with a TOOL shirt on reporting to me about Rush in the ‘70s? Alternatively, I found it inspiring to see 13 year olds totally getting their prog on to tunes from 1979 (“Natural Science” from the album Permanent Waves).

It’s a strange but familiar world - a Rush concert is.

It’s common to hear that Rush in concert sounds so much like Rush as recorded. The same was true this time, for the most part. Two exceptions come to mind. The second song, “Digital Man” (Signals) seems to have been truncated or compressed slightly with Geddy singing a lyrical line over what should have been an instrumental part; not sure if this was a mistake or a strategy. There was also one moment of equipment malfunction during the beginning of “Between the Wheels” (Grace Under Pressure), when Alex Lifeson’s guitar disconnected from the amp somehow (via his belt plug). I could see him (through binoculars!) yelling at the stage hand off to the left, “WTF?,” shrugging his shoulders. The problem was instantly solved when the stage hand began fiddling with the connection. My guess was that the band would just repeat the same measure again and let Alex fix his shit and then play his opening solo bits, but they just kept on goin’. Alex switched guitars afterwards, and he seemed a little annoyed during that song, but his annoyance translated effectively into the rage of the guitar bits on that amazing song.

I always thought that the song, "Secret Touch" (on Vapor Trails), communicates lyrically something of Neil's tragedies in the mid 90s and his recovery therefrom, losing his wife and daughter in the space of a year: "There is never love without pain", "Out of sync / With love in the land of the living", "A healing hand, a secret touch on the heart / There is never love without pain / Life is a power that remains." Indeed, that album marked the return of the band from this period of grief and uncertainty about the band's future. Frankly, I found it very moving to hear that song last night. I confess to focusing on Neil's facial expressions in some personal effort to find intimacy or a connection amidst so much distance. It's what a fan does.

On a lighter note, zukinemi (my "Rush wife") reports that, “Geddy Lee is looking hot these days.” Never would one have imagined such a statement to be formulated at any point during Rush’s history. But one must now agree: ever since Presto - really - Geddy has figured out his look. Alex seemed to be more in shape these days, feeling at ease now to wear t-shirts. Neil had his same look, donning that Errol Flynn "China man" hat -- for lack of a better descriptor -- whose fire retardant capability was tested during "Far Cry" (Snakes & Arrows); go here for a live clip of the ATL show and watch the conflagration at 2:53. Call me old fashioned but didn't the ill-fated Great White show put the kibosh on pyrotechnics like that?

Perhaps this is a relevant or irrelevant generational distinction, but folks from 5 to 10 years senior (i.e., 40 somethings today) have always been in the habit of tailgating and listening to Rush before the actual show, jamming usually to “old Rush” as a way of getting the party started. I prefer going into the show with virgin ears.

Speaking of which: the band seems to have won the “new Rush” vs. “old Rush” debate (“which is better”?). I remember Rush concerts from the mid '80s, a time when the audience was extremely lukewarm about the “new Rush” of synthesizers and electronic drums, ushered in by the albums Signals and Grace Under Pressure and reaching its apex on Hold Your Fire before the band returned to the "three piece" sound of Presto (though, remember, synths were central to Moving Pictures [think “Camera Eye”], and go as far back as "Tears" on 2112). I remember the Power Windows tour, for instance; the band would play the ol’ favorites from 2112, and then would move to something from Signals (“Subdivisions,” say), and everyone would sit down and staidly listen. Not anymore. Last night, Subdivisions, which came about four songs in after the intermission, was greeted with uproarious excitement; when they completed the song, the whole arena shook, and after that Geddy Lee said something like, “Hey, I grew up in the suburbs, too.” The point is that “new Rush” is now “old Rush.”

Rush has trained its audience in how to listen, as every great band should.
______________________________________________






















































































_____________________________________________


Tonight, is the RUSH concert in ATL!

In my effort to GET INTO IT, which involved finding out how the fuck to drive to Hi Fi Buys Amphitheater, I discovered that tonight’s show kicks off the entire tour. So that’s cool.

I haven’t seen Rush since the Roll the Bones tour in the early 90s.

I'm into it.

I will report on the show if I feel like it.

Below: Dude on the right is Buddy Rich, one of Neil Peart's idols. Dude on the left, Ed Shaughnessy, at whom one can shake no stick either. Fucking hell:

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Hardcore Dancing (AKA "Teen Line Dancing")

1. Teenagers are gay; their subculture is mainstream culture, which sucks, from the Hot Topic "alternative apparel" to nü metal's latest steaming piles of shit.

2. Teenagers should be hated; their parents equally suck for spoiling these fucking monkeys and not smacking them as they should.

3. Teenagers are stupid ("hardcore begins with Slipknot"; see Exhibit A).

Appendicks:

Exhibit A:

Watch
this. You'll love it!

Exhibit B:


Monday, June 04, 2007

Spencer Tunick

I hate this crap:









Not only are there no clearly discernible “nice asses” amidst this unwashed mass but the whole thing is a waste of nudity. You can’t see anything. So maybe the idea is “nudity with no interest.” Great! The problem there is that we already live in a culture of censorship that forces erotic disinterest upon consumers to the extent that there is massive over-compensation when a tit finally appears in public, as in the case of a famous wardrobe malfunction that caused an uproar of idiocy in what is clearly a Freudian substitution of anger for hyper repressed erotic desire (see Beyond the Pleasure Principle). It is true and, of course, ironic that the culture of censorship permits titillation - brief or digitized glimpses of the flesh, a floppy nutsack here or black triangle there - but of course the proper and most successful censoring mechanism would in fact be to “show it all” to the point of tedium, such that nudity incites no arousal whatsoever. So show us the dicks and pussies! Let’s get used to these things and be done with it and the need to produce “art” purporting to make philosophical points about nudity and the human condition.

Wait, this one’s not so bad:

Monday, May 21, 2007

Sorry Democrats: Volume 2

Jimmy Carter said that “this administration” – the Bush administration – “has been the worst in history”? He elaborates: "The overt reversal of America's basic values as expressed by previous administrations, including those of George H. W. Bush and Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon and others, has been the most disturbing to me." You betcha. Worse than those fuckers, too.

BUT ARGH! Now Carter is apologizing for these remarks! Blah blah blah. Why is Carter sorry about the truth? And if you want to know the truth, he owes the American people an apology for not recommending Bush's incarceration in Guantanamo Bay.

I have already spoken on this tendency of the Left to call the Right out on their idiotic and destructive assholery but then apologize immediately for such soothsaying. Apparently, this bathos won’t stop, so now I plan to keep a running tally of such incidents under the heading Sorry Democrats, which will run parallel to my Die Monster Die series on Dick Cheney. When Democrats keep apologizing, it only makes them seem like genuine sorry asses in every way. STOP IT.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Greensburg, KS: Bush & the “Heckuva Job” Politics of Destruction

The fact is that a huge tornado destroyed most of Greensburg, KS on May 4, 2007.

The fact is that “Greensburg . . . supported George W. Bush in the last two presidential elections. According to unofficial vote totals for 2004, Bush received 1,248 votes and John Kerry received 253 votes.”

The fact is Greensburg is now New Orleans.

Or is it? Racial make-up of the historically black Greensburg, KS is:
White Non-Hispanic (96.5%)
Hispanic (1.6%)
American Indian (1.5%)
Two or more races (1.1%)
Other race (1.0%)
Oops... no black folk here after all! None to dignify with a name besides "Other."

Will we hear Republican lawmakers suggesting that it’d be pointless to rebuild a town in the middle of tornado alley ("I mean, DUH!"), which is the same logic used to question why any funds should be used to rebuild New Orleans (“It’s below sea level! Why rebuild?”)?

NOT: “We're not going to let a disaster happen here like what happened with [Hurricane] Katrina," Rep. Todd Tiahrt, R-Kansas, told reporters Saturday afternoon. "We're going to take care of people first and then help this city rebuild."

FEMA, there's a White Republican town to rebuild! Get on it!

It's Republican Socialism baby!

Wait, this just in . . . Greensburg, KS DOES NOT SUPPORT OUR TROOPS! Will Rep. Tiahrt stand for this???


GBDH reports. You decide!

Friday, May 04, 2007

INTERNATIONAL SOLO OFF

BE A DICK

OR

VOTE NOW FOR THE “WORLD’S BEST” COVER OF THE GUITAR SOLO IN THE KNACK’S “MY SHARONA”

1.


2.


3.

Thursday, May 03, 2007

On Drought

I don't mind the late nite
watering restrictions,
because I am a Nite Owl,
Burning Bright,
Moving My Head,
From Left to Right,
Beware blinker!
You are in My Sight!
Whooo Hoo!!!
Hoo Hoo!!!

Friday, April 27, 2007

Dick made me do it

“a dick’ll make you slap somebody. . . dick’ll make you lose control . . . dick’ll make you pull a gun and shoot somebody in the damn face”:

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Vagina Power with Alexyss Tylor

Question of the day:

Shrimp from Long John Silver's or mouth full of sperm?

For all you "cum freaks" out there who are "hooked on cumming," this is fucking classic in every way.



Who doesn't love Atlanta Cable Access doesn't love penis power, "doesn't hit the walls and work the middle," doesn't know that "all penises aren't created equal."

Hitting the bottom with best regards,
and with thanks to deepdisco,

GBDH

Monday, April 16, 2007

Fucking Monkeys

Recent work on MONKEY THEORY is given the prestigious GOLDBLACK rating by GBDH:

Choice quotes from a recent NYT article:

If two males fail to make up, female chimpanzees will often bring the rivals together, as if sensing that discord makes their community worse off and more vulnerable to attack by neighbors. Or they will head off a fight by taking stones out of the males’ hands.

Young rhesus monkeys learn quickly how to behave, and occasionally get a finger or toe bitten off as punishment. Other primates also have a sense of reciprocity and fairness. They remember who did them favors and who did them wrong. Chimps are more likely to share food with those who have groomed them.

Frans B. M. de Waal: “The profound irony is that our noblest achievement — morality — has evolutionary ties to our basest behavior — warfare. The sense of community required by the former was provided by the latter.”

GBDH: "Research has shown that it's bad security to blow a load in your wife, willy nilly."

Other Scholarship on Monkey Theory is awarded the extremely prestigious "GOLDBLACKDEVIL" certificate:

Frans. B. M. de Waal, Primates and Philosophers: How Morality Evolved, ed. Stephen Macedo and Josiah Ober, Robert Wright, et alii (Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, 2006).

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Spear Jamie Spears


Have you heard of this girl?

Why on earth, with all the uproar over that two-bit, ersatz busker by the name of Brittany, isn't anyone talking about fucking Jamie Lynn Spears?


Literally . . .


Friday, April 13, 2007

DIE MONSTER DIE V: Avian Attempts

(CBS) CHICAGO A bird appears to have flown into and damaged the engine of Vice President Dick Cheney's plane as it arrived in Chicago Friday morning.

The plane landed safely, and no one was hurt....

GODDAMN IT!!!

More birds next time, more birds!

What, you birds are getting soft on terror?

Monday, April 02, 2007

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Matthew Dowd: Once a Bushie Always a Bushie

Dear Mr. Matthew Dowd,

You were Bush’s chief campaign strategist for 2004. I am so glad you finally fucking woke up, you goddamn moron.

Leading up to the 2004 election, there were so, so many failures in the Bush administration, and now after helping that idiotic and illiterate asshole get re-elected, you say: "I had finally come to the conclusion that maybe all these things along do add up."

Maybe? Ya think?

Fuck you.

Here’s to wishing you wiped your ass-for-a-brain in 2003. Thanks for helping ruin this country. Thanks for your soulless bullshit. You will be long hated after your apologies.

GBHD

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Shock & Awe

If you use the expression, "shock & awe," in any sentence other than one proclaiming your plans for absolute military domination or one describing the vapid evils of Donald Rumsfeld and his idiotic ways, I will hate you. Such usages show you are stupid and don't give a shit about anything. In other words, don't be dumb and doughy like Carisa on Top Designer, who used the expression "shock & awe" to characterize her awesome chambre à coucher d'air.

I HATE HER FOR THAT.

SAND EVERYWHERE!!!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Capitalism is Bananas

Colombia May Seek Chiquita Extraditions:
Eight Executives Targeted in Paramilitary Payment Scandal

BOGOTA, Colombia, March 20 -- Colombia's attorney general said Tuesday that his office would try to seek the extradition of eight executives from Chiquita Brands International, the Ohio banana company that last week admitted to paying $1.7 million to right-wing death squads that have killed thousands in this country's long civil conflict.

In deal with the Justice Department, Chiquita last week agreed to plead guilty to doing business with the United Self-Defense Forces of Colombia, a coalition of paramilitary groups whose members have massacred peasants and murdered leftist activists for years. In agreeing to pay a $25 million fine, the company characterized the payments as extortion that helped protect banana workers in the northwest Uraba region near the border with Panama.

For the full story, click here.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Lo Mein? NO, LO MEGADEATH! [sic]

If you own a shitty MOTOROLA silver, sliver phone, try this predictive text experiment. Try to text your friend "Martyn" a quip about his need for Lo Mein and general local boringness. Instead, you will be forced to enter, "LO MEGADEATH." Now what the fuck is that? I can't text fuck, fucking, puss, pussy, shit, ass, asshole, cock, cunt, lo mein, or any of those other fun words. But yeah, there's MEGADEATH in the lexicon waiting to be used when expressing your appetite NAY symphony for destruction. DUCK THAT! And it's not even how you spell that goddamned band's name!

I HATE MY PHONE AND IT'S EVERYONE'S FAULT

I HAVE ZITS

I AM MOODY IN MY ROOM

SHUT UP MOM

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Old White Men (OWM)













Is the Empire Carpet Man,
The New Colonel Sanders,
The Orville Redenbacher arriviste?































Will he be
Wilford Bremley?










WHEN WHEN WHEN
Will he -- this Carpetier -- be erect

In the pantheon of Senescent,
Fluffy White Hucksters of chicken, popcorn,
and stuff for diabetics?





Sunday, March 04, 2007

Vice

Some good “DOs and DON’Ts” from VICELAND.
Click ‘em n' laugh and fuckin get into it.

Make sure to participate in the ass-off and VOTE for your favorite!

One

Two

Three

Four

Five

Sex

Seven

Eat

Nine

Ten

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Those Assmilds at Motorola

My Motorola sliver phone is a piece of shit. It won’t let me be myself in this day and age when I thought that shitty commodities like this were available to help me realize all my potential as an Individual, unique in the items I don and use. For instance, take predictive texting. Just now, in a text message, I was trying to call "Martyn" (fictional name to protect the innocent) a “pussy,” but instead I am constrained to call him a “puppy.” In certain circumstances that name would apply, but really, “pussy” is what I was after. But nooooo I have to choose from “puppy, pupsw, pupsx, pupsy, pupsz, and pups9.” Come the fuck on! If I wanted to call my friend “pups9” and suggest that he is the 9 year old, instant messaging fuck buddy of the retarded Motorola Engineer who designed my predictive text lexicon, then I would have said as much!!!

Some Motorola engineers . . . goddamned this fucking Microsoft shit, this word processing shit called WORD, which capitalizes automatically Microsoft as well as Motorola . . . .

I HATE EVERYTHING

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Die, Monster, Die!

SINGAPORE (Reuters) - U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney's plane, which encountered a mechanical problem after leaving Australia to return to the United States, landed safely in Singapore on Sunday.

"This was the pre-planned, scheduled fuel stop," said Cheney's spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride. "We were not diverted," she added, following a comment by Australia's Prime Minister John Howard that Cheney's plane had been diverted to Singapore because of the mechanical problem.

The problem had posed no safety issues and the aircraft was fine, the White House said earlier. However, a reporter working for eRsatzNewz was quoted as saying, “GODDAMN IT.”

Friday, February 16, 2007

What a bunch of fox

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Just wanted to say how idiotic FOX news is.
Why are you so fucking stupid? Goddamn idiots.
That's all. I feel better now.
I just want to say what complete poison you are.
THANKS!!!

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Friday, January 05, 2007

It can be revealed that there is a RE-GIFTER among the readers of GBDH.

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE. YOUR RE-GIFT HAS ROUSED GBDH FROM HIS SLUMBER AND TOE WARDS OLIVE GARDEN