Friday, June 30, 2006

Pinus, Penis, and the noun equivalent.

It is no longer enough to ask plainly in a SPAM, "Would y0u like to have a killer meat stick?" Because the answer is yes, and the keystroke is delete (for those using pine!). What’s needed are metaphors and kennings, all placed in the subject line and available for literary criticism before proceding to the main text, comprised of dollar $igns, *sterisks, and zer0s. However, with the advent of the Modern American Gentleman (MAG) who is concerned with status, cash, money, and most of all THE FUTURE, so, too, comes a new set of SPAMS:
Subject: Order status, neck-cracking
Subject: Order status, meter-candle
Subject: Order status, oak-beam
Subject: Order status, papyrus column
Subject: Your cash, pearl-headed
Subject: Hi, narrow-hipped
Subject: Hi, morro castle
Subject: Your future, olive-complexioned
Subject: Your future, mortise gauge
Subject: Your health, parkin baker
Subject: Your money, noun equivalent
Subject: Your cash, neoza pine
Subject: Your cash, needle beam
Subject: Your cash, Paleo-american
Not sure if a "needle beam" is what the MAG is after. The description of the "neoza pine" (Pinus gerardiana) sounds especially promising not only in its description of a deep, wide, and erected thing with a presumably large crown ("The trees are 10-20 [-25] m tall with usually deep, wide and open crowns with long, erect branches") but in its Latinity, which renders audible a pun: pinus, penis. Trouble is, you wouldn’t know this unless you were a Latinist from "northwestern Himalaya in eastern Afghanistan, Pakistan, Kashmir and northwest India," hanging out "at elevations between 1800-3350 m." At any rate, the deal breaker is the cone:

One can’t quite project that image onto one’s investment, unless you are from planet Zoron, where the males have many pointed penises in a cluster -- all of which accrue a natural varnish at maturity and which during mating forever lodge themselves within their fitting dentated vessel.

But "Paleo-american" works, because it reminds one of Clive Owen in the film, Closer, when he yells at Julia Roberts’s character: BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING CAVE MAN!!!

Only one SPAM has the balls to be specific about penises: "Subject: There is no need to insure your penis when you try Penis Enlarge Patch." . . . . And I was just about to take out a policy on my oak-beam of a papyrus column cum meter-candle so that I may enjoy a romantic retreat at the Morro Castle with my neck-cracking morro castle.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Brittany McComb is Eggy

Meet Brittany McComb. The next Brittany? Scott Stapp's wife? NO. It’s an 18 year old with an opinion, so let’s have a fucking newstory about it on the drudgereport!

This valedictator gave a high school graduation speech, as tradition calls for, but her mic was cut off after too much Jesus this and God that. Haha! Here she is: "I went through four years of school at Foothill and they taught me logic and they taught me freedom of speech," McComb said. "Went through?" "They?" Who "they?" How is "freedom of speech" taught? By other teenagers running off at the mouth? I think she might have missed that course in logic, after all.

"God's the biggest part of my life. Just like other valedictorians thank their parents, I wanted to thank my lord and savior." WHOA! Four years at a shitty school with a gay appletalking website? Impressive.

Listen, you are 18. God’s the biggest part of your life because you ain’t seen shit. You haven’t struggled. You haven't paid your way. You probably haven’t even fucked yet. I take it back. You played sports and got your nails done with Jaques!

The future looks very bright indeed for McComb, however. She will major in what was once the most inquisitive of disciplines – journalism – but which now rightly goes by the name of “fake news.” What’s more, she will attend Biola University, a self-proclaimed “global center for Christian thought and an influential evangelical voice that addresses crucial cultural issues.” Its mission is not only to “exercise faith appropriately in the process of critical thinking” but to walk and chew gum at the same time, too.

No matter, this budding journalist will some day offer her maturated opinions on “crucial cultural issues” such as Intelligent Design, Stem Cell Research, and the Duh Vinci Code – the hot topic at Biola’s Library, also a global center of belles lettres, as evident by its emphases.

In closing, "People aren't stupid and they know we have freedom of speech and the district wasn't advocating my ideas," McComb said. (User's hint: people are stupid.) "Those are my opinions.” "It's what I believe." Great, tell us about what you believe. Of course, your freedom of speech trumps our right to refuse to listen to your crap. Wait, I take it back. I guess that's what the whole mic thing was about.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

The Everlasting Relevance of Psychoanalysis

Family Values

Freud has been misunderstood for so very long. Forget all you’ve heard about the Oedipus complex or penis envy. Such terms are pop-Freudianisms at best and are an annoying distraction from Freud’s original insight that you’re a hopeless fuck-up. See, Freud’s basic contribution to philosophy and psychology is that, quietly simply, your family is fucked up, and your family fucked you up. Dare to differ? I challenge anyone to find an earlier thinker who asserts this position. It is quite original and, by the testimony of personal experience, very true. Recommended reading is Civilization and Its Discontents, which charts how an originary fuck up – your family – is mirrored on the systemic level in that great fuck up called civilization.

Chicks with dicks or guys with boobs?

Lacan was a Freudian, above all, but made a fundamental mistake. He eschewed the concrete philosophy of the Freudian fuck-up and got all abstract and Saussure like. Worse yet, he insisted upon the explanatory value of a specific metaphor that cannot but be read literally. He asserted the supremacy of the phallus, which we are supposed to take as the figure (figura) of gender difference in cultural not biological terms. Yet in the spirit of French feminism, whereby this biological metaphor is extended to the "black triangle" and the “two lips” (which bear their own significatory force), we may advance the argument that Lacan quite simply had no balls. That is, he forgot about the nuts.

In psychoanalytic terms, it’s the difference between two salient identities, typically combined in that figure of the “passive-aggressive” but more boldly pronounced by the bedfellow isms of Sadism and Masochism, of which there is an equal share among the sexes. There are dicks and ball busters. There are chicks with dicks, and guys with boobs, and gals with huge balls, and dickless dudes. There are dudes who like a little ball play mixed in every now, ok?, and there are those who are aggressively insistent, DON’T TOUCH MY FUCKING NUTS. These are revealing positions and complicate the simple Lacanian notion of the phallus as a biologically specific metaphor of the greatest cultural implications and responsible for some of the basic features of human social organization.

If we are going to literally be metaphorical, however paradoxical that sounds, then we have to heed this poetic dictum, dreamed up late last night as I was fading away: “Kiss Cass / And the whole rack of ham jacks.”

Sunday, June 11, 2006

SUV suckers

Now ain’t this a thing of beauty? Burning your SUV ought to be the new necessity, superceding the impulse to have a Stand Alone Player on your MYSPACE page -- as if the streaming song makes you more awesome and less gay:

Anyway, check out this article on SUV owners hiring arsonists to burn their vehicle so as to bail on the high gas and car payments. "It's not because they are bad people," says arson investigator Robert Rowe. Nope, it’s cause they are fucking idiots too stupid to be bad.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi: Wanted Alive Then Dead???

GBDH REPORTS *FIRST* YET AGAIN: Al-Zarqawi's death is not what it seems!

* * * * UPDATE Times of India (6/11/06): "Zarqawi was stomped dead, claims witness."

* * * * UPDATE AP (6/11/06) : "Witness Says U.S. Troops Beat Al-Zarqawi After Bombing."

* * * * UPDATE CNN (6/10/06): " Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was alive when U.S. troops first reached him after the airstrike on his safe house, a U.S. general said, according to news reports."

* * * * AP: "Al-Zarqawi somehow managed to survive the impact of the bombs, weapons so powerful they tore a huge crater in the date palm forest where the house was nestled just outside the town of Baqouba."

* * * * GBHD Applies Solid Critical Principles (6/9/06)

Relax. It’s a dead person. It’s not gross. It’s all over the news.

So, a couple of questions. Ok, what sort of havoc to the human body would you suppose, say, two 500 POUND bombs would wreak? A black eye?

Um, I want my tax money back on these damn JDAMS. For the answer is that two fucking 500 pound bombs ought to obliterate and incinerate any object exceeding a composition of 79% water.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Political Terms 101

Contrary to received anatomical wisdom, in the Ars Civilitatis, no two things are farther apart than an asshole and a pussy.

Vocab review:

ASSHOLE: "A shit talker who is a dick."

PUSSY: "One who apologizes to assholes."

T'aint (noun, m. or f.): the "undecided voter" of 2004.