Pinus, Penis, and the noun equivalent.

It is no longer enough to ask plainly in a SPAM, "Would y0u like to have a killer meat stick?" Because the answer is yes, and the keystroke is delete (for those using pine!). What’s needed are metaphors and kennings, all placed in the subject line and available for literary criticism before proceding to the main text, comprised of dollar $igns, *sterisks, and zer0s. However, with the advent of the Modern American Gentleman (MAG) who is concerned with status, cash, money, and most of all THE FUTURE, so, too, comes a new set of SPAMS:

Subject: Order status, neck-cracking
Subject: Order status, meter-candle
Subject: Order status, oak-beam
Subject: Order status, papyrus column
Subject: Your cash, pearl-headed
Subject: Hi, narrow-hipped
Subject: Hi, morro castle
Subject: Your future, olive-complexioned
Subject: Your future, mortise gauge
Subject: Your health, parkin baker
Subject: Your money, noun equivalent
Subject: Your cash, neoza pine
Subject: Your cash, needle beam
Subject: Your cash, Paleo-american

Not sure if a "needle beam" is what the MAG is after. The description of the "neoza pine" (Pinus gerardiana) sounds especially promising not only in its description of a deep, wide, and erected thing with a presumably large crown ("The trees are 10-20 [-25] m tall with usually deep, wide and open crowns with long, erect branches") but in its Latinity, which renders audible a pun: pinus, penis. Trouble is, you wouldn’t know this unless you were a Latinist from "northwestern Himalaya in eastern Afghanistan, Pakistan, Kashmir and northwest India," hanging out "at elevations between 1800-3350 m." At any rate, the deal breaker is the cone:

One can’t quite project that image onto one’s investment, unless you are from planet Zoron, where the males have many pointed penises in a cluster -- all of which accrue a natural varnish at maturity and which during mating forever lodge themselves within their fitting dentated vessel.

But "Paleo-american" works, because it reminds one of Clive Owen in the film, Closer, when he yells at Julia Roberts’s character: BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING CAVE MAN!!!

Only one SPAM has the balls to be specific about penises: "Subject: There is no need to insure your penis when you try Penis Enlarge Patch." . . . . And I was just about to take out a policy on my oak-beam of a papyrus column cum meter-candle so that I may enjoy a romantic retreat at the Morro Castle with my neck-cracking morro castle.