Sunday, November 27, 2005

Relax, don't do it....

"We know that some women need something -- a pill, a nasal spray -- to get them going," Melinda Gallagher said in the report. Doctors said women who used the drug PT-141 in test studies felt a tingling or throbbing followed by a strong desire to have sex immediately after spraying their noses. "In the case of women, what we're really doing is sensitizing the vaginal tissue so when they get touched or stimulated, they would feel it a little bit more," Dr. Carl Spana said.

What? What's this? A quest for the essence of the female orgasm in a bottle? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for the "strong desire to have sex immediately," if not sooner, but somehow the "immediately after spraying their noses" bit takes the x out of sex, and nobody wants to have se or only se. For in keeping with the Latin grammatical tradition that governs "se" as a reflexive pronoun, having se is having sex with "ones self." Not bad, but who needs a spray for that, unless you are into lubricious PAM:

Turns me on just looking at it.

Sunday, November 20, 2005


Women on average
look like Geddy Lee
more than men do
at the choad of dawn.

Sunday, November 06, 2005


For you vegetabletarians, is eating an egg like eating a fingernail, a bio-by-product that doesn't have a face? Or is an egg like a celery stick, ontologically speaking? I ask because this morning, I ate three eggs. Answer as you may, you'll be glad to know that I also devised a new method for extracting shells from the gluey substance that is the raw egg. It's called the two-finger method!

3 eggs.
1 fancy pottery'd bowl your wife brought to the merger of households to replace the octagonal bowls you stole from Austin.
2 clean fingers.

Locate the bits of shell by carefully examining the raw egg in the bowl. Take your left finger and pull the raw egg up the edge of the bowl. This procedure should also pull with it the micro-piece of shell, suspended in a slender strip of slime. Then with your right finger, press down on top of the shell-piece firmly and then -- now maintain pressure! -- slide your finger up to the rim of the bowl. The shell should be dislodged from its grave jelly. Safely discard shell piece. Don't wash hands. Touch all doorknobs. And exclaim, THIS SHARK LIKES TO FUCK!

Friday, November 04, 2005