Sunday, May 28, 2006

David Lee Roth, M. C. Hammer, Farrah Fawcett, Denzel Washington

It’s a VAN HALEN fuck yeah!
And a bunch o’ mixed metaphors, too.
Here’s Diamond Dave, ain’t learned a thang,
making it clear why he lost his radio gig:

To me, it's not rocket surgery. It's very simple to put together. And as far as hurt feelings and water under the dam, like what's-her-name says to what's-her-name at the end of the movie 'Chicago' -- 'So what? It's showbiz!' So I definitely see it happening.

Didn't David act all coked up at the end of some VH1 performance in the mid- to late-90s, winking at the stagehands and what not? Didn't Eddie Van Halen call him a fool for doing so?

Let us reflect...

Ode to the Stars

M. C. Hammer,
You trusted me because I wore your
Farrah Fawcett,
Be wife of Burger King.
Diamond Dave,
Force yourself to be happy.
Denzel Washington,
Where does prime-rib
stand in the hierarchy of steaks?

Thursday, May 25, 2006


Readers may be aware of "the gaze" Рthat theoretical construct describing, fundamentally, how we internalize various forms of surveillance, be they patriarchal or otherwise. Feminism has the best version of this idea, after Simone de Beauvoir, after Sartre, after Hegel. (Bais̩ Foucault.)

But what about the refusal to look? The refusal to return the gaze? The refusal to satisfy another’s social narcissism, his own idealized, social self-image of how he wishes to be seen? "LOOK AT WHAT I CAN DO!," in the memorable words of Stewart the Man Child.

These are all pressing questions, especially because I’ve been recently irritated with this one guy: he wheels around downtown on one of those goddamned SEGWAY gyroscope dollies, the only local moron to do so.

Get on a SEGWAY, and I refuse to look at your stupid skinny ass riding that thing. You are dead to me, because you ride a giant dick stick with balls for wheels.

"Oh, but he's a really nice guy, and sweet, too."


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Captain D's III (UPDATED!)

Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 15:47:56 -0500
From: B[...] R[...] <[...]>
To: [GBDH]
Subject: RE: ANSWER!!!

Mr. [GBDH]:
Your email was forwarded on the franchisee that owns and operates that restaurant. Have a great day!

B[...] R[...] Captain D's Operations
Key Operational Strategy
Create Superior Operational Execution
Every Customer, Every Day in Every Restaurant

>Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 02:42:10 -0400 (EDT)
>From: [GBDH]
>Subject: ANSWER!!!
>I send constructive comments here and no one answers. Why? It's frustrating. I take the time >to write your restaurant and all you >do is just take it all in with no feedback. Is this thing >working?
>The bottom line is that I fucking like fish, ok? But maybe I am >going to change my mind and
>eat something else for a change! GOD!

Friday, May 19, 2006


You know?

Captain D's Goes a'whaling!

Date: Fri, 19 May 2006 16:21:40 -0400 (EDT)
From: [xxx]
Subject: whaling?

Dear Customer Service Person at the Captain D's Headquarters,

Does Capetian D's support whaling? In restaurant number 205826, which I ate at today, there were 5 harpoons. There was one where you order and five where you eat. I do like to eat at the restaurant, but does this mean that Captain D's supports whaling? America considers whaling "illegal," and I don't want to eat at an illegal restaurant. Thank you for your consideration.

G. B. D. Head

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

THE SPIRIT OF TRUTH: Just dial 213-730-9589! (GOOGLERS: more vids at 5/21/06 entry!)


(Click here, BIOTCH!)

Whoever can name the tune playing as the backing track gets a prize. I wanna know it.

Partial Transcript of this ars praedicandi:

Are you laughing biotch? Hah! You find it funny? Heh. Wait, you ain't hearin me, huh?

Repeat it after me, bitch. I come in the name of Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit, God almighty, you know, ruler of heaven and earth, and every goddamned thing in between. You understand me now?

You trust in hell mutha fucka and you already in hell. Just like I trust in heaven and I’m already there mutha fucka.

Who created your ass?

The devil is a mutha fuckin liar, so you know I ain't worried, biotch.
Stupid biotch!
You goddamned devil worshipper, you ain’t got no excuse.


You can hear a caller in the background saying, "fucker," "bitch," "mother fucker" to the preacher.



Saturday, May 13, 2006

New Music!

Check out this new awesome music by the new hot band,

I just can't get these lyrics out of my head!

The people girls,
they are just going from thing to think,
mewling a meow vowel, or two,
Blood, Sweat, & Tears are uneven at best.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Female Bisexuality Ain't For Men Anymore!

The sun dapples the maples on this warm spring day, bathing in bright golden beams the foliage like an image straight from the bible. A bird flies over head and chirps at something and then flies away, out of sight, maybe to join some other birds somewhere.

Yet there is more than meets the eye in this serene scene.

More and more women these days are proclaiming their bisexuality! Across the nation, rallies for female bisexuality have attracted more and more participants and an even greater number of onlookers. School boards are also taking a great interest in the female bisexual agenda, seeking to signal the benefits of this lifestyle in primary school textbooks. Scientists, meanwhile, are working hard to discover and resolve the remaining paradoxes of female bisexuality, seeking to advance our knowledge of female bisexuality, female bisexuality, and, female bisexuality. Here are some tantalizing results:

Heterosexual women found the male and female pheromones about equally pleasant, while straight men and lesbians liked the female pheromone more than the male one. Men and lesbians also found the male hormone more irritating than the female one, while straight women were more likely to be irritated by the female hormone than the male one.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Stephen Colbert pokes at Bush

By now you’ve heard, but in the spirit of providing four-star service to the community, it can be said that Stephen Colbert is more brilliant than ever, roasting Dubya, as he did.

You have to watch it.

You have to watch it.
You have to watch it.
You have to watch it.
You have to watch it.

(As a further service, it can be noted that each "You have to watch it. " was individually hand-crafted, and not reproduced by some machinic Ctrl-Cing and -Ving.)