Thursday, November 30, 2006

The Future of Fucking

Question of the Day:
"The ejaculate coming forward is a significant part of a man's sexuality. And, by the way, what happens if there is a breakthrough ejaculation?"

Answer here!

New Techmology:
"Krause's team ( is developing a type of spray can into which the man inserts his penis first. At the push of a button it is then coated in a rubber condom."

Come here for more.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Talk Talk, Sex Sex

Women talk three times as much as men, says study

By FIONA MACRAE Last updated at 13:39pm on 28th November 2006

[T]he simple act of talking triggers a flood of brain chemicals which give women a rush similar to that felt by heroin addicts when they get a high.

"Women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion, while men have a small country road," said Dr Brizendine, who runs a female "mood and hormone" clinic in San Francisco.

There are, however, advantages to being the strong, silent type. Dr Brizendine explains that testosterone also reduces the size of the section of the brain involved in hearing - allowing men to become "deaf" to the most logical of arguments put forward by their wives and girlfriends.

Dr Brizendine says the brain's "sex processor" - the areas responsible for sexual thoughts - is twice as big as in men than in women, perhaps explaining why men are stereotyped as having sex on the mind.

Or, to put it another way, men have an international airport for dealing with thoughts about sex, "where women have an airfield nearby that lands small and private planes".

Studies have shown that while a man will think about sex every 52 seconds, the subject tends to cross women's minds just once a day, the University of California psychiatrist says.

Thursday, November 16, 2006


You may have read about this couple doing some “dirty touching” on an airplane, for which they were arrested on charges of terrorism. CNN: “According to court documents, flight attendants saw Persing and Sewell kissing, embracing and ‘acting in a manner that made other passengers uncomfortable’ while the plane was stopped in Phoenix.” AHN: “Persing was also observed with his face pressed against Sewell's lower body.” Against what?

The FBI’s Affadavit is far more interesting, and might have been used to inject some narrative interest into Snakes On A Plane: “PERSING was observed nuzzling or kissing SEWELL on the neck, and around the collarbone in the vicinity of her breast. PERSING was also observed with his face pressed against SEWELL’S vaginal area. During these actions, SEWELL was observed smiling. Upon witnessing this activity, FA-1, while PERSING had his face against SEWELL’s vaginal area, instructed PERSING and SEWELL to end this activity. . . . Observed by a passenger in a nearby seat, PERSING pointed and shook his finger at FA-1 and said, ‘I am going to give you one warning to get out of my face!’ Persing repeated this statement to FA-1.”


Saturday, November 04, 2006

Mission Accomplished!: Cheney's Say-Nothing, Do-Nothing Buzz Words

Readers are fully aware that I fucking hate plans ad libitum cum willy nilly. I CANNOT FUCKING STAND POORLY EXECUTED PLANS!!! ARRRRRRGH. When I hear Dick Cheney yarn on about his administration’s PLAN for Iraq, I immediately wish to perform a rear naked choke on the fucker and induce his imminent cardiac arrest for the good of the nation.

"We've got the basic strategy right," Cheney said. “It may not be popular with the public — it doesn't matter in the sense that we have to [YES, WE’RE WAITING, WHAT’S THE PLAN?] continue the mission and [WAIT, REPEAT THE PLAN AGAIN?] do what we think is right. And that's exactly what we're doing," Cheney said. [GOOD PLAN!]

"We're not running for office. We're doing what we think is right.” “I think there is no question that it is a tough war, but it is also the right thing to do," he said. "And it is very important that we [IMPORTANT THAT WE DO WHAT? WHAT’S THE PLAN?] . . . complete the mission." "They [democrats] haven't offered up a plan, but they have several different positions — withdraw, withdraw at some future date, cut off funding," Cheney said. [THEY HAVEN’T, IN OTHER WORDS, REPEATED “COMPLETE THE MISSION” A MILLION TIMES.]

"The fact of the matter is, this is the right thing for us to be doing. We need to succeed here. It has a direct bearing on how we do around the world on the global war on terror."

Somebody please impeach this fucker.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

More Sloppy Science!!!

Report finds sex always on men's minds

NEW YORK, Oct. 24 (UPI) -- Researchers at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction at Indiana University say most men are always thinking of sex.

A study released Tuesday in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Scientists found 54 percent of men and 19 percent of women admit they think about sex every day -- or several times a day -- in a society where they are bombarded with subconscious erotic images.

Scientists at the University of Minnesota found sexy subliminal images competed for attention in the brain even when the images were not right before a subject's eyes and most people are not consciously aware of them, ABC News reported.

Researchers also found sexual orientation often determines how the brain reacts to erotic images. Heterosexual women, for example, were more tuned in to pictures of naked men, the same reaction exhibited by homosexual men. But homosexual woman were equally attuned to naked images of both sexes, the report said.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Bush & More Lame Language Games: Stay the Course! Wait, No! Uh...

La di da, la di dumb: they want to "cut and run"; we want to "stay the course."

Wait, we’ve never been about "stay the course." We are about "complete the mission."

Now go here and check out the compilation of clips iterating "stay the course" (it’s the second vid).

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Friday, September 22, 2006

Baby Dies in Bucket of Mom's Vomit

Baby Dies in Bucket of Mom's Vomit

The Associated Press Friday, September 22, 2006; 3:58 PM

NEW YORK -- A baby died after rolling off a bed and falling into a bucket of her teenage mother's vomit at a homeless shelter, police said.

The mother, Savarin DeJesus, 18, was charged with criminally negligent homicide and endangering the welfare of a child, and could get five years behind bars.

The young woman trembled and wept as she faced a judge Friday. "I loved my baby. I want you to know that," she said.

Authorities said DeJesus spent the evening of Sept. 15 downing gin and smoking cigarettes and then returned before dawn to the shelter where she lived with the 4-month old girl, Niah.

DeJesus threw up into a bucket of cleaning solution next to her bed, then passed out on the bed, clutching Niah's legs, authorities said.

When she awoke about 10 hours later, she found the baby with her head in the bucket, which contained about six inches of liquid, according to court papers.

The cause of death was either asphyxiation or drowning, the medical examiner's office said.
DeJesus "loved her baby and would never hurt her," said her lawyer, Kenneth Gilbert.

The city's Department of Homeless Services said it was trying to determine if the East Harlem shelter had a crib.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

GAS is cheap. Therefore, I love President Bush, again! YAY!

Forget all I’ve thought and said, those mistaken words about Bush as an idiotic, felonious, impeachable President! I can now fill up my SUV and take my spoiled white kids to an out of district school, because the local one is too crappy and black (sssshhhh, don’t tell anyone!). I love you President Bush! I was wrong to question you. I now see that I cut and run on you. I am so sorry for lapsing into an "Al Qaeda type" worldview. I don’t know what I was thinking when I supported the Fascists. How could I have ever blamed you for Katrina, warrantless wiretapping, shunting the Geneva Conventions, the Kyoto Protocols, Stem Cell research, establishing energy policies that shaft the citizens and fatten the corporate fat cats, intelligence failures on 9/11, misleading the country to invade another, ignoring military advice not to invade, poorly arming our troops (not to mention skipping out on military service during Vietnam), giving up the hunt for Bin Laden, failing to fire Donald Rumsfield over these mistakes, disclosing the identity of a CIA agent working under cover, dropping the ball on Iran and North Korea, and spending more time on vacation than in the Oval Office.

Oh, goodness, this is all much too much for my fat suburban ass. All I know is that gas is cheap, and I’m staying the course!

Monday, September 18, 2006

How Do Computers Enjoy Porn?

Here's how. What follows is a spamblaster assessing an email that JUST may concern porn.

1.9 FREE_PREVIEW BODY: Free Preview
0.7 ALL_CAP_PORN BODY: Possible porn - in ALL CAPS
0.0 HOT_NASTY BODY: Possible porn - Hot, Nasty, Wild, Young
0.1 HTML_FONT_BIG BODY: HTML has a big font
0.5 HTML_40_50 BODY: Message is 40% to 50% HTML
0.6 SUBJ_ALL_CAPS Subject is all capitals
0.0 UPPERCASE_75_100 message body is 75-100% uppercase

I said, JUST MAY concern porn:

Date: Fri, 15 Sep 2006 17:44:34 +0400
To: [----]







Saturday, September 09, 2006

Researchers identify 'male warrior effect' [HITHERTO NEVER PERCEIVED IN THE HISTORY OF CIVILIZATION]

NORWICH, England (Reuters) -- Men may have developed a psychology that makes them particularly able to engage in wars, a scientist said on Friday. [THIS "MAY HAVE" SEEMS FISHY TO ME....]

New research has shown that men bond together and cooperate well in the face of adversity to protect their interests more than women, which could explain why war is almost exclusively a male business, according to Professor Mark van Vugt of the University of Kent in southern England. [OK, HOLD ON RIGHT THERE, YOU CRAZY SCIENTIST WITH YOUR PURPORTED "NEW RESEARCH." WAR AN EXCLUSIVELY MALE BUSINESS? TALK ABOUT RUSHING TO CONCLUSIONS! WHERE'S THE BEEF IN THIS BUN?]

"Men respond more strongly to outward threats, we've labeled that the 'man warrior effect'," he told the British Association for the Advancement of Science meeting. [DON'T TRY TO DRESS THIS UP WITH FANCY PHRASEOLOGIES. "WE'VE LABELED THAT THE ‘BLAH BLAH BLAH EFFECT'." WHATEVER! WE NEED EVIDENCE!]

"Men are more likely to support a country going to war. Men are more likely sign up for the military and men are more likely to lead groups in more autocratic, militaristic ways than women," he added. [WHAT'S THIS "MORE LIKELY" MALARKY? I SEE NO EVIDENCE THAT MEN ARE "INTO" WAR. I'M SENSING THE "LIBERAL MEDIA" HERE WISHING TO BASH MEN! NOW THERE'S A WARRIOR EFFECT FOR YA!]

Van Vugt said the finding is consistent with results from different behavioral science disciplines [BUT LARGELY INCONSISTENT WITH HISTORICAL RESEARCH AND COMMON SENSE. . . . B-U-L-L-Y-E-A-H!].

In experiments with 300 university men and women students, Van Vugt and his team gave the volunteers small sums of money which they could either keep or invest in a common fund that would be doubled and equally divided. None of the students knew what the others were doing. ["EE VILL KONDUKT AN EX-SPEARMINT BECAUS EE HAVE A NO-SHUN."]

Both sexes cooperated in investing in the fund. But when the groups were told they were competing against other universities, the males were more eager to invest rather than keep their money while the number of women contributing remained the same. ["THIS IS THE EYE IN THE SKY SPEAKING: YOU ARE COMPETING WITH OTHER GROUPS. COMPETING. COMPETING. KILL. KILL."]

"We all know males are more aggressive than females," Van Vugt said, adding that co-operation is needed to establish institutions and governments and to wage wars. [PHOOEY. ROYAL WE, SHMOYAL WE. WHAT'S COPRATION?]

"Male co-operation is a double-edged sword," he added.

. . . .brought to you buy America's finestest news source, cnn.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad with Mike Wallace: The 60 Minutes Interview (Unedited)

Update, yep: CBS fucking sucks: "This video has been removed at the request of copyright owner CBS Corporation because its content was used without permission." Is permission all that's needed, or is a buttload of money necessary? The protection of CBS's content means more than the education of a viewing public over which they claim proprietary rights in their dissemination of confected programing, the trite bells and whistles of retarded non news reports. Is it not enough that the hoary Mike Wallace (who, btw, desperately needs to study world history) and the name "60 Minutes" is all over the fucking video when it is posted on youtube? How is that an illegal transmission if it's not reproduced for profit but instruction? SOME WAY TO REALIZE THE LIBERATING POTENTIAL OF THE MEDIA!

. . . .anyway, go HERE for the video.

I’m with UK’s deputy prime minister, John Prescott: "Bush is crap." I’d add: our president is a fraction of the statesman, orator, and dare I say genius in realpolitik, global polity, and common sense Ahmadinejad is. If you think you are supposed to be pissed off at Bush YET still somehow frightened at what the supposed lunatic, terrorist President of Iran might do, then think again, because your feelings are only those – feelings, shaped by the same idiotic neo-con point of view that has Ahmadinejad spinning on the Axis of EVIL; feelings, that are no better than the most trite of bumper stickers. You are hereby contractually obligated to view this unedited interview of Ahmadinejad, conducted by Mike Wallace, a senescent dolt in his own right, as you will soon see. If you don’t view these, you are cheating yourself, your mind, your claim to any sort of critical intelligence, and – dare I say – your own right to citizenship.

60 Minutes Interview with Ahmadinejad, President of Iran (Unedited & in 7 Parts)








Monday, August 14, 2006

How To Wait Your Turn at McDonald's, and Why Your Stupid Ass Should

[Update: the story below has now been picked up by the national media AFTER it was declared here first on GOLDBLACKDEVILHEAD as news worthy and ontologically indicative. GBDH supposes that a certain local server is crashing right about now.]

I love this story, included below, for three reasons.

First, it communicates the utter pettiness of humanity and its desire to eat the filth and death that McDonalds serves. Commentary enough.

Second, hurray for the "disgruntled McDonald’s customer" for acting against the Thomases’ utter lack of civic respect. You don’t dart ahead of people, or cut in line: THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD BESIDES YOU. Likewise, if you are waiting in line for a movie and another ticket window opens up, you allow those ahead of you to walk up to it; if a self-checkout lane at Kroger opens up, the person waiting in front of you proceeds to it before you. Why do not people understand this? If a Jeep running you down is the consequence of your inability to bear an ounce of social conscience, would you behave better? I wish to slap your kids on the airplane and make the world a better place. I digress.

Third, hurray for Alberto Gonzales, our nation’s Tourniquet General. He may well have a good case for torture in the "disgruntled McDonald’s customer," who demotes herself to subhumanity and has a road rage freak out in a fucking parking lot. She does not qualify as a "person" according to any post-Enlightenment manifesto I've read. One is guaranteed to get no "information" from this suspect apart from the fact that she is a moron in the ninetheenth-century sense of the term.

* * * *

Headline: Woman sought after hitting patrons with car at restaurant

Police still were searching Sunday for a disgruntled McDonald's customer who ran into two other customers with her car after a dispute over who was next in line to order breakfast.
At about 8:30 a.m. Saturday, Melinda Ann Thomas, 34, and Linda Ann Thomas, 51, were standing in a crowded line at the McDonald's on Gaines School Road waiting to order breakfast, according to police. When a cashier opened a new line, they zipped to the front of it - a move that drew the ire of at least one customer waiting for her chance at a McGriddle that morning. According to the report, an unidentified woman, who had been in front of the Thomases in the original line, started yelling at them for cutting in line and threatened to kill them for the offense.

The woman, who was described as white with brown hair in her mid-20s, about 5 feet 10 inches tall and weighing 150 pounds, left the restaurant before the Thomases and stayed in the parking lot, sitting in her dark blue Jeep Cherokee, according to witnesses cited in the report. The vehicle's license plate number was not noted in the report, but witnesses said the Jeep had fog lamps.

As the Thomases made their way to their car, witnesses said the woman pulled out of her parking space, backed up and then sped toward the ladies - striking them both with the passenger side of the Jeep. According to the report, neither victim was injured severely.
The woman now is being sought by police on charges of aggravated assault.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Howard Dean & Katherine Harris Stalin

BOO FUCKING HOO, you Republican pussies, and fuck you, for whimpering when Howard Dean says anything with balls. You always do. Last time you all complained when Dean spoke truthfully in saying that the GOP was "pretty much a white Christian party." And you heard my fulmination, backed up by facts that your party is as white as the fish belly, half as appealing, and twice as slimey.

Now here’s the latest. The DRUDGE HEADLINE – "Compares FL GOP candidate Katherine Harris to Stalin..." – links to this shitty newspaper, quoting Dean as saying: "She doesn't understand that it’s…improper to be chairman of a campaign and count the votes at the same time. This is not Russia and she is not Stalin."

Um, wait, she is NOT Stalin? Musn’t be a "comparison," then. Why isn’t there a headline that Dean "compares" the USA to "Russia?" IT IS BECAUSE HE DOESN’T.

Look, GBDH realizes that literary analysis is beyond the brief of the mainstream conservative media, and that irrelevant Latin rhetorical terms like occupatio mean nothing to the suburban SUV driving masses who mysteriously have the right to vote. But the point here is about a thing called, um, THE LAW, and Dean’s point is that, yeah, it took the Supreme Court of Activist Judges to rewrite the law (governing recounts in Florida) and appoint their ass fucked wit of a friend George Bush as president – with the help of Madam Katherine Harris Stalin, whose facelift is bested by Nefertiti's to this day.

Let's take...

THE GOLD PLEDGE: Democrats, if you want our votes, you must pledge to STOP FUCKING APOLOGIZING for the mean things you say about dumbass, corrupt Republicans. STOP IT! WHO GIVES A FUCK IF REPUBLICANS COMPLAIN? LET THEM.

Next on GBDH... Why Israel negotiates with the terrorists after all!

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Thursday, July 06, 2006

Bush’s Lame Language Games

Concerning Bin Laden’s latest audio message, our Thief in Chief says: "If authentic, the tape demonstrates yet again that bin Laden and al-Qaida continue to use the media to justify their dark vision and war against humanity." What’s interesting is this new twist, "the media," a phrase that often means, well, "the media" as we know it, not some stupid ass hand held audio cassette recorder in the mountains of Pakistan.

Sounds like Bush is redefining terms for the election. Sounds like Bush has accepted the sage advice of the recently outed plagiarist, Anne Coulter (see her column of 6.28.06), who suggests that the New York Times committed treason in disclosing what everyone already knew: that the Bush administration authorized the combing of bank records world wide in search of terrorist transactions.

It’s the stupidest sort of Republikkkan language game, but works very well with the equally stupid voter who has the attention span the size of Cheney's retracted Dick. Just keep saying the phrase, "the media," "the media," "the media," and morons nationwide will accept this trash as truth much like "WMD," "WMD," "WMD" or "Saddam Hussein/9-11," "Saddam Hussein/9-11," "Saddam Hussein/9-11" or "cut and run," "cut and run," "cut and run." The word media is really SCARY.

Sure, the media sucks, but that’s why we have GOLDBLACKDEVILHEAD.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006


"Hey guys, let’s go on a road trip from Georgia to California in my shitty ass car that’s over THIRTY YEARS OLD and has FOAM flying off left and right. Nevermind that my other two cars of the same exact model either EXPLODED not two miles outta my neighborhood or INCINERATED as I was pulling into the driveway. WE MUST USE THIS VEHICLE! COME ON!"

Fuck that shit.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Pinus, Penis, and the noun equivalent.

It is no longer enough to ask plainly in a SPAM, "Would y0u like to have a killer meat stick?" Because the answer is yes, and the keystroke is delete (for those using pine!). What’s needed are metaphors and kennings, all placed in the subject line and available for literary criticism before proceding to the main text, comprised of dollar $igns, *sterisks, and zer0s. However, with the advent of the Modern American Gentleman (MAG) who is concerned with status, cash, money, and most of all THE FUTURE, so, too, comes a new set of SPAMS:
Subject: Order status, neck-cracking
Subject: Order status, meter-candle
Subject: Order status, oak-beam
Subject: Order status, papyrus column
Subject: Your cash, pearl-headed
Subject: Hi, narrow-hipped
Subject: Hi, morro castle
Subject: Your future, olive-complexioned
Subject: Your future, mortise gauge
Subject: Your health, parkin baker
Subject: Your money, noun equivalent
Subject: Your cash, neoza pine
Subject: Your cash, needle beam
Subject: Your cash, Paleo-american
Not sure if a "needle beam" is what the MAG is after. The description of the "neoza pine" (Pinus gerardiana) sounds especially promising not only in its description of a deep, wide, and erected thing with a presumably large crown ("The trees are 10-20 [-25] m tall with usually deep, wide and open crowns with long, erect branches") but in its Latinity, which renders audible a pun: pinus, penis. Trouble is, you wouldn’t know this unless you were a Latinist from "northwestern Himalaya in eastern Afghanistan, Pakistan, Kashmir and northwest India," hanging out "at elevations between 1800-3350 m." At any rate, the deal breaker is the cone:

One can’t quite project that image onto one’s investment, unless you are from planet Zoron, where the males have many pointed penises in a cluster -- all of which accrue a natural varnish at maturity and which during mating forever lodge themselves within their fitting dentated vessel.

But "Paleo-american" works, because it reminds one of Clive Owen in the film, Closer, when he yells at Julia Roberts’s character: BECAUSE I AM A FUCKING CAVE MAN!!!

Only one SPAM has the balls to be specific about penises: "Subject: There is no need to insure your penis when you try Penis Enlarge Patch." . . . . And I was just about to take out a policy on my oak-beam of a papyrus column cum meter-candle so that I may enjoy a romantic retreat at the Morro Castle with my neck-cracking morro castle.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Brittany McComb is Eggy

Meet Brittany McComb. The next Brittany? Scott Stapp's wife? NO. It’s an 18 year old with an opinion, so let’s have a fucking newstory about it on the drudgereport!

This valedictator gave a high school graduation speech, as tradition calls for, but her mic was cut off after too much Jesus this and God that. Haha! Here she is: "I went through four years of school at Foothill and they taught me logic and they taught me freedom of speech," McComb said. "Went through?" "They?" Who "they?" How is "freedom of speech" taught? By other teenagers running off at the mouth? I think she might have missed that course in logic, after all.

"God's the biggest part of my life. Just like other valedictorians thank their parents, I wanted to thank my lord and savior." WHOA! Four years at a shitty school with a gay appletalking website? Impressive.

Listen, you are 18. God’s the biggest part of your life because you ain’t seen shit. You haven’t struggled. You haven't paid your way. You probably haven’t even fucked yet. I take it back. You played sports and got your nails done with Jaques!

The future looks very bright indeed for McComb, however. She will major in what was once the most inquisitive of disciplines – journalism – but which now rightly goes by the name of “fake news.” What’s more, she will attend Biola University, a self-proclaimed “global center for Christian thought and an influential evangelical voice that addresses crucial cultural issues.” Its mission is not only to “exercise faith appropriately in the process of critical thinking” but to walk and chew gum at the same time, too.

No matter, this budding journalist will some day offer her maturated opinions on “crucial cultural issues” such as Intelligent Design, Stem Cell Research, and the Duh Vinci Code – the hot topic at Biola’s Library, also a global center of belles lettres, as evident by its emphases.

In closing, "People aren't stupid and they know we have freedom of speech and the district wasn't advocating my ideas," McComb said. (User's hint: people are stupid.) "Those are my opinions.” "It's what I believe." Great, tell us about what you believe. Of course, your freedom of speech trumps our right to refuse to listen to your crap. Wait, I take it back. I guess that's what the whole mic thing was about.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

The Everlasting Relevance of Psychoanalysis

Family Values

Freud has been misunderstood for so very long. Forget all you’ve heard about the Oedipus complex or penis envy. Such terms are pop-Freudianisms at best and are an annoying distraction from Freud’s original insight that you’re a hopeless fuck-up. See, Freud’s basic contribution to philosophy and psychology is that, quietly simply, your family is fucked up, and your family fucked you up. Dare to differ? I challenge anyone to find an earlier thinker who asserts this position. It is quite original and, by the testimony of personal experience, very true. Recommended reading is Civilization and Its Discontents, which charts how an originary fuck up – your family – is mirrored on the systemic level in that great fuck up called civilization.

Chicks with dicks or guys with boobs?

Lacan was a Freudian, above all, but made a fundamental mistake. He eschewed the concrete philosophy of the Freudian fuck-up and got all abstract and Saussure like. Worse yet, he insisted upon the explanatory value of a specific metaphor that cannot but be read literally. He asserted the supremacy of the phallus, which we are supposed to take as the figure (figura) of gender difference in cultural not biological terms. Yet in the spirit of French feminism, whereby this biological metaphor is extended to the "black triangle" and the “two lips” (which bear their own significatory force), we may advance the argument that Lacan quite simply had no balls. That is, he forgot about the nuts.

In psychoanalytic terms, it’s the difference between two salient identities, typically combined in that figure of the “passive-aggressive” but more boldly pronounced by the bedfellow isms of Sadism and Masochism, of which there is an equal share among the sexes. There are dicks and ball busters. There are chicks with dicks, and guys with boobs, and gals with huge balls, and dickless dudes. There are dudes who like a little ball play mixed in every now, ok?, and there are those who are aggressively insistent, DON’T TOUCH MY FUCKING NUTS. These are revealing positions and complicate the simple Lacanian notion of the phallus as a biologically specific metaphor of the greatest cultural implications and responsible for some of the basic features of human social organization.

If we are going to literally be metaphorical, however paradoxical that sounds, then we have to heed this poetic dictum, dreamed up late last night as I was fading away: “Kiss Cass / And the whole rack of ham jacks.”

Sunday, June 11, 2006

SUV suckers

Now ain’t this a thing of beauty? Burning your SUV ought to be the new necessity, superceding the impulse to have a Stand Alone Player on your MYSPACE page -- as if the streaming song makes you more awesome and less gay:

Anyway, check out this article on SUV owners hiring arsonists to burn their vehicle so as to bail on the high gas and car payments. "It's not because they are bad people," says arson investigator Robert Rowe. Nope, it’s cause they are fucking idiots too stupid to be bad.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Abu Musab al-Zarqawi: Wanted Alive Then Dead???

GBDH REPORTS *FIRST* YET AGAIN: Al-Zarqawi's death is not what it seems!

* * * * UPDATE Times of India (6/11/06): "Zarqawi was stomped dead, claims witness."

* * * * UPDATE AP (6/11/06) : "Witness Says U.S. Troops Beat Al-Zarqawi After Bombing."

* * * * UPDATE CNN (6/10/06): " Abu Musab al-Zarqawi was alive when U.S. troops first reached him after the airstrike on his safe house, a U.S. general said, according to news reports."

* * * * AP: "Al-Zarqawi somehow managed to survive the impact of the bombs, weapons so powerful they tore a huge crater in the date palm forest where the house was nestled just outside the town of Baqouba."

* * * * GBHD Applies Solid Critical Principles (6/9/06)

Relax. It’s a dead person. It’s not gross. It’s all over the news.

So, a couple of questions. Ok, what sort of havoc to the human body would you suppose, say, two 500 POUND bombs would wreak? A black eye?

Um, I want my tax money back on these damn JDAMS. For the answer is that two fucking 500 pound bombs ought to obliterate and incinerate any object exceeding a composition of 79% water.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Political Terms 101

Contrary to received anatomical wisdom, in the Ars Civilitatis, no two things are farther apart than an asshole and a pussy.

Vocab review:

ASSHOLE: "A shit talker who is a dick."

PUSSY: "One who apologizes to assholes."

T'aint (noun, m. or f.): the "undecided voter" of 2004.

Sunday, May 28, 2006

David Lee Roth, M. C. Hammer, Farrah Fawcett, Denzel Washington

It’s a VAN HALEN fuck yeah!
And a bunch o’ mixed metaphors, too.
Here’s Diamond Dave, ain’t learned a thang,
making it clear why he lost his radio gig:

To me, it's not rocket surgery. It's very simple to put together. And as far as hurt feelings and water under the dam, like what's-her-name says to what's-her-name at the end of the movie 'Chicago' -- 'So what? It's showbiz!' So I definitely see it happening.

Didn't David act all coked up at the end of some VH1 performance in the mid- to late-90s, winking at the stagehands and what not? Didn't Eddie Van Halen call him a fool for doing so?

Let us reflect...

Ode to the Stars

M. C. Hammer,
You trusted me because I wore your
Farrah Fawcett,
Be wife of Burger King.
Diamond Dave,
Force yourself to be happy.
Denzel Washington,
Where does prime-rib
stand in the hierarchy of steaks?

Thursday, May 25, 2006


Readers may be aware of "the gaze" Рthat theoretical construct describing, fundamentally, how we internalize various forms of surveillance, be they patriarchal or otherwise. Feminism has the best version of this idea, after Simone de Beauvoir, after Sartre, after Hegel. (Bais̩ Foucault.)

But what about the refusal to look? The refusal to return the gaze? The refusal to satisfy another’s social narcissism, his own idealized, social self-image of how he wishes to be seen? "LOOK AT WHAT I CAN DO!," in the memorable words of Stewart the Man Child.

These are all pressing questions, especially because I’ve been recently irritated with this one guy: he wheels around downtown on one of those goddamned SEGWAY gyroscope dollies, the only local moron to do so.

Get on a SEGWAY, and I refuse to look at your stupid skinny ass riding that thing. You are dead to me, because you ride a giant dick stick with balls for wheels.

"Oh, but he's a really nice guy, and sweet, too."


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Captain D's III (UPDATED!)

Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 15:47:56 -0500
From: B[...] R[...] <[...]>
To: [GBDH]
Subject: RE: ANSWER!!!

Mr. [GBDH]:
Your email was forwarded on the franchisee that owns and operates that restaurant. Have a great day!

B[...] R[...] Captain D's Operations
Key Operational Strategy
Create Superior Operational Execution
Every Customer, Every Day in Every Restaurant

>Date: Thu, 25 May 2006 02:42:10 -0400 (EDT)
>From: [GBDH]
>Subject: ANSWER!!!
>I send constructive comments here and no one answers. Why? It's frustrating. I take the time >to write your restaurant and all you >do is just take it all in with no feedback. Is this thing >working?
>The bottom line is that I fucking like fish, ok? But maybe I am >going to change my mind and
>eat something else for a change! GOD!

Friday, May 19, 2006


You know?

Captain D's Goes a'whaling!

Date: Fri, 19 May 2006 16:21:40 -0400 (EDT)
From: [xxx]
Subject: whaling?

Dear Customer Service Person at the Captain D's Headquarters,

Does Capetian D's support whaling? In restaurant number 205826, which I ate at today, there were 5 harpoons. There was one where you order and five where you eat. I do like to eat at the restaurant, but does this mean that Captain D's supports whaling? America considers whaling "illegal," and I don't want to eat at an illegal restaurant. Thank you for your consideration.

G. B. D. Head

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

THE SPIRIT OF TRUTH: Just dial 213-730-9589! (GOOGLERS: more vids at 5/21/06 entry!)


(Click here, BIOTCH!)

Whoever can name the tune playing as the backing track gets a prize. I wanna know it.

Partial Transcript of this ars praedicandi:

Are you laughing biotch? Hah! You find it funny? Heh. Wait, you ain't hearin me, huh?

Repeat it after me, bitch. I come in the name of Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit, God almighty, you know, ruler of heaven and earth, and every goddamned thing in between. You understand me now?

You trust in hell mutha fucka and you already in hell. Just like I trust in heaven and I’m already there mutha fucka.

Who created your ass?

The devil is a mutha fuckin liar, so you know I ain't worried, biotch.
Stupid biotch!
You goddamned devil worshipper, you ain’t got no excuse.


You can hear a caller in the background saying, "fucker," "bitch," "mother fucker" to the preacher.



Saturday, May 13, 2006

New Music!

Check out this new awesome music by the new hot band,

I just can't get these lyrics out of my head!

The people girls,
they are just going from thing to think,
mewling a meow vowel, or two,
Blood, Sweat, & Tears are uneven at best.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Female Bisexuality Ain't For Men Anymore!

The sun dapples the maples on this warm spring day, bathing in bright golden beams the foliage like an image straight from the bible. A bird flies over head and chirps at something and then flies away, out of sight, maybe to join some other birds somewhere.

Yet there is more than meets the eye in this serene scene.

More and more women these days are proclaiming their bisexuality! Across the nation, rallies for female bisexuality have attracted more and more participants and an even greater number of onlookers. School boards are also taking a great interest in the female bisexual agenda, seeking to signal the benefits of this lifestyle in primary school textbooks. Scientists, meanwhile, are working hard to discover and resolve the remaining paradoxes of female bisexuality, seeking to advance our knowledge of female bisexuality, female bisexuality, and, female bisexuality. Here are some tantalizing results:

Heterosexual women found the male and female pheromones about equally pleasant, while straight men and lesbians liked the female pheromone more than the male one. Men and lesbians also found the male hormone more irritating than the female one, while straight women were more likely to be irritated by the female hormone than the male one.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Stephen Colbert pokes at Bush

By now you’ve heard, but in the spirit of providing four-star service to the community, it can be said that Stephen Colbert is more brilliant than ever, roasting Dubya, as he did.

You have to watch it.

You have to watch it.
You have to watch it.
You have to watch it.
You have to watch it.

(As a further service, it can be noted that each "You have to watch it. " was individually hand-crafted, and not reproduced by some machinic Ctrl-Cing and -Ving.)

Sunday, April 30, 2006

Captain D's (intro)

From : [GBDH]
Sent : Sunday, April 30, 2006 12:47 AM
To :
Subject : fish poetry as a part of ""Captain Ds""

Dear Concerned,
I had ""Captain D's"" #205826 tonight and it was good (1 Fish & Fries $3.29, 1 SM Coke $1.19 plus tax and it was $4.80). I wrote Reflections on Fish & Its Symbolism based on my feelings. If you ""like it"", I, can make up another one, no, problem. (Does you want to use it too? if so, please use the and sign and not the word and.)

Reflections on Fish & Its Symbolism

Know why I come back
to Captain D’s?
Why yes, the fish.
But the sauces are plentiful,
and in all the right places.
Furthermore, I don’t know
what Captain D’s is
made of but it must be
and one part anti-foaming agent.

Son of Man,
meditate on my flesh.
May your fish be bigger
than the holes in your hands!

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Postmodernism; or, Fredric Jameson

© GOLDBLACKDEVILHEAD (Verified! Popularized!)

For Fredric Jameson, postmodernism is the cultural logic of late capitalism. That idea is not debatable. Whether you prefer to view capitalism as the best or worst form of economic life, or whether you hold Churchill’s middle way that it’s the best of the worst, you cannot deny that capitalism exists, nor can you deny that capitalism provides for a culture that’s at once perplexing, repetitive, colorful, excessive, seductive and globally mobile. If the recently lamented (but obviously long-standing) "commercialization of Christmas" bothered you a whit, then you’ve learned a Jamesonian lesson that is a Marxist lesson: "commodity fetishism" pervades everyday life. If a consumerist obsession with labels drains your wallet, ditto. Marxism, as Jameson formulates it, offers the vocabulary to explain such cultural phenomena in postmodernism.

Marxism? Yes, relax: Marxism, which is not communism, by the way. To confuse Marxism with communism is not only to demonstrate that you’ve not read Marx’s three volumes of Capital, or that you’ve never read this guy called Plato or heard of the Branch Davidians, neither of Marx’s doing. More importantly, to condemn Marxism for communism is to be blind to capitalism’s own utopian failures in equal opportunity and equal access, its parasitic reliance on government, market regulation and those pesky Socializing forces. More on utopia in a minute. The point here is simply that in the critical analysis of postmodernism, you need some root on which to cling if the cultural field is quicksand.

In Postmodernism, or, The Cultural Logic of Late Capitalism (1991), Jameson shows how postmodernism is its own theory, and the examples of postmodern theory are not only in the academy in the likes of poststructuralism, but also everywhere else in the characteristic fusion of high and low cultures. It’s on TV. It’s in movies. It’s in museums and on billboards. It’s in the novels you read. Postmodern theory comes in all shapes and sizes: Hotlanta’s Century Center, that seemingly single-sided reflective surface standing on its own off I-85, is yet another example. Let’s look at two of Jameson’s many ideas.

First, "postmodernism is the consumption of sheer commodification as a process." Think, say, of the recent TV commercial for the Saturn AURA in which an Indy kid sketches a cool car on a napkin that then magically whisks itself outdoors like a piece of trash only to be tousled on the streets and morphed into a working blueprint of a car, which itself spontaneously generates into a clay mock-up of a car, which then begins to flake off its earthen skin in the wind to reveal the exhilarating and shiny sports car underneath, zooming ahead out of a tunnel and into the light. Here, we have just one example in postmodernism in which the commodity literally makes and embodies itself and appears magically as a self-animated, autodriven Thing, rather than as a product of any labor process. Marx critiqued precisely this sort of commodity fetishism, and Jameson develops this critique in his work on postmodernism.

It can be quickly understood, however, that this image of the miraculously made commodity has its complement in the economics of global capitalism - the equally recent news about a major car company (Ford, in this case) cutting 35,000 jobs, only to move, predictably, those jobs to some unseen, outsourced location where Dick Cheney would never hide, much less set foot.
So much for visualizing the production process, which is now only imaginable when viewed in the unreal time of fast motion photography, workers zooming around in the dirt on HGTV assembling lumber, roofing and siding into a finished house in a matter of seconds, as if in some kind of construction capers film.

For a second example of postmodernism, we may consider one of Jameson’s more famous locutions, "nostalgia for the present," which describes how historical inquiry is itself a thing of the past, along with critical thinking about politics and policy in the media age of Ditto-heads. Instead, what we get is a fascination with history as a cultural style concerning our own g-g-generation. While Jameson suggests that this phenomenon begins with Lucas’ American Graffiti (1973) - a film that inaugurated that still ubiquitous obsession with the ‘50s and its awesome shakes and hamburgers - I’d hazard that such nostalgia begins with various rock and roll "rebellions" from the ‘60s. The Who’s The Who Sings My Generation (1965) is the starting point here.

At any rate, these generational nostalgias are these days clearly instanced in the VH1 Series "I Love the 70s," "I Love the 80s," and "I Love the 90s." VH1 promises that the latter will give "viewers… a ‘90s style dose of the music, movies, TV shows, products, fashions, fads, trends, scandals and major events that defined pop culture each year of the decade." Setting aside the suggestion that it’s too soon to be jammin’ to Jesus Jones once more, we can simply observe the manner of historical hindsight at work here: products, fashions, fads and trends are featured on the show with equal prominence alongside world events, such as the Oil Crisis of ‘73 or the Falling of the Berlin Wall, which of course is stylistically absorbed into a Jesus Jones video. The point is that, in our culture, historical reflection demands no studious inquiry, but only a passive consumption of newsy images within pop motifs. What passes for historical inquiry in this age of nostalgia are personal and euphoric recollections of that song you used to sing, complete with a flashback to your high school yearbook photo, featuring your zitty visage and A-Flock-of-Seagulls hairdo. Better yet, history is now the history of stuff you bought.

Jameson writes in Postmodernism: "if postmodernism is the substitute for the sixties and the compensation for their political failure, the question of Utopia would seem to be a crucial test of what is left of our capacity to imagine change at all." Here, he is looking ahead to his new book, Archaeologies of the Future: The Desire Called Utopia and Other Science Fictions, in which he asks whether thought-experiments nowadays are up to snuff with the medieval scholastic theories of "other possible worlds." Indeed, Ockham would wonder, Can God destroy the Earth before the Apocalypse? The answer, of course, is "you betcha!" But can we genuinely imagine a new social arrangement that satisfies our needs and wants all at once?

Not a chance, is Jameson’s answer, an answer backed up by a rather intense and breathtakingly wide-ranging exploration of utopian theories, philosophies, novels and films. The broad point is not about these genres so much as the imagination, the inability to dream of utopia at all. So rooted is capitalism in our very Being that utopian thinking can only offer projections of our own postmodern age, whereby the sources of vice and exploitation are subtracted in alien scenarios and historical romances alike, and these in turn offer comfort, not vision. And where the utopian imagination succeeds in offering a radically other world beyond even our own perceptions - a world with a fourth primary color, say - there is a curious lack of any corresponding new organs of perception to apprehend such otherness. Jameson’s diagnosis of the many aspects of utopia explains, in sum, why it is that we can more easily imagine the total annihilation of life-as-we-know-it by a Super Volcano than conceive of a new social arrangement that is equitable.

So the imaginative failure is not in Marxism or only in Marxism. It is also for want of the modern and postmodern imagination itself. Such a failure originates in the distinct disconnect between our social ethics and the wish for "the world to be a better place," for the logical combination of these two impulses would, after all, threaten to assert socialism into utopian thinking, alongside feminism and ecologism.

© GOLDBLACKDEVILHEAD (Verified! Popularized!)

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

In search of . . .

Search under the terms, cum devil, on and GOLDBLACKDEVILHEAD will be ranked, appropriately, as the thirteenth item, sandwiched between "Ladies, what does cum taste like and do ya like it?" and "free incest you and I gay porn stars go pussy cum a bill," my thought exactly! Conduct a search under the terms, black girl on line, on, and GBDH cums in fourth! YES!

With such hot hits, all potential purchasers of GOLDBLACKDEVILHEAD will be pleased to find the low valuation of said site, as shown here, at $4,201.06. It’s yours for 4K flat (+ $150.00 processing fee and $51.06 intangible tax).


Tuesday, April 18, 2006


A list of songs that DO NOT need to exist would be handy to have, as I develop the notion of the NOTHING song. For instance, by definition, all Nickleback songs are NOTHING songs, with the track, "How you Remind Me," standing out for especial notice. Here is yet another specific example of a NOTHING song. Pay particular attention to the lyrics, and if you can get the audio, notice the needless guitar noodling, which adds not an iota of rockn effect to the song.

ZZ-Top, "Slip Inside My Sleeping Bag":

When it's cold outside and you want to sleep in
go for a pallet that's so nice and thin.
Zip it on around while it's on the ground,
spread it out and lay it on down.
Slip inside my sleeping bag,
slip inside my sleeping bag.

Sure, this song is about sex, but, literally, you don't give a fuck. What makes it a NOTHING song, in other words, is that there is NO ENTHUSIASM about sex, which is supposed awesome. There are only lackadaisical imperatives focused on the sleeping bag itself. This is called "false metonymy." And so the song ends up being ABOUT a stupid sleeping bag that some truck driver's farted in for years.

Please submit your list of NOTHING songs.

Saturday, April 08, 2006


I was refreshed by architecture.
Ecstacy and immensity,
together as one!
Mathematically, that’d be:
First the second, and second the first
in groups of eight or six.
"Rivulets aren’t for rivers anymore,"
"mornings not for fucking,"
express the idea of awesome,
if math’s not your thing.

So say ok.
So say I see.

Ask about the weather.
Ask why songs from the 80s feel good,
like Taco Bell feel good,
like back to back Seinfelds feel good,
or whatever the opposite of sloppy
seconds would be feel good,
whatever the idol would be
in the land of the lost feel good:
a neckless of seabugs,
the sun escaping an eclipse.
Worshipers of the world unite!

Thursday, March 30, 2006

Sierra Mist

Please click here and view this :30 clip.

Please, all of you, faithful readers and moronic passersby alike:
watch it or you suck.

Watched it? Ok. Now.

Is it me or is the message of this commercial?:
"Hand over your Sierra Mist or I will finger your ass."
Or more academically expressed in the third person:
He (Boss) wants that girl (Wendy) to drink this drink so much
that he will finger some guy’s ass to make him give it to her.


Question of the day:

Which way
does your butt spray?


Saturday, March 18, 2006

The Beauty of Generics

With VASELINE, couples can feel at ease with their personal hygene and trust in a preparation of the choicest ingredients selected, combined, and certified by a commission of fully bonded chemists.

Just look at those two newlyweds nee lovelies. They don't even know they want to fuck. But that's always been the beauty of the VASELINE line of products. Never about fucking and always about elbows. Always about couples, never about the modern gentleman.

Enter a competitor of Vaseline, Kroger's generic 100% Pure Petroleum Jelly and skin protectant. This product doesn't fuck around, namely because it knows you do.

Behold the back label: "When using this product DO NOT GET INTO EYES."

The colloquialism is cute, isn't it? So, too, is the gerund. You don't "apply" the product. This is a product for USING baby. Yet one must inquire, Do not get WHAT into eyes? We may assume this dictate to be addressed to the modern gentleman, always on the run in his workaday life, and well-deserving of a break from the hub bub.

Now, get it out of your filthy noggin: it's not do not get THAT into eyes. Such common trajections are beyond referencing in polite society. What we have here is a more straightforward bit of product self-consciousness: do not GET INTO EYES is a gentle reminder for the "user" to refer to, to GET INTO, some other body part for this product to, well, come in handy.

Monday, March 13, 2006

La di da

Name That Tune by Guessing the Modified Lyric.
(10 points & bitch slap).


Friday, February 17, 2006

Bull God Fucks Jesus Boy



"A videotape showing Kid Rock and former Creed frontman Scott Stapp engaging in explicit sexual activity . . . ." "...engage in sex acts with each other on the tape..."


Click here for more! Go on, CLICK!

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Will the Editors of be Eggy?

New Definitions of EGGY come fast & furiously (II), beating the presses!

2a. Persons who resist neologisms on account of philological whimsy. E.g.: Betagirl
3a. Blogs that are eggy. Example:
4a. My friend Austin (from time to time).
5a. The word "eggy."

Submission under review

Your submission is under review by the editors. Bookmark this page to see the results of the review.

While meaning "irritating," "annoying," "uncomfortable," or "awkward," the word typically describes a state of being and no longer bears a direct relation to actual eggs. For philological purposes, it can be noted that all these denotations date as far back as 1982, as used in Naperville, IL, USA.

"He was extremely eggy in his response to me"; "Have you met that eggy lady?"; "I'm feeling a bit eggy today"; "The practice room was cold and eggy."

Source: GBDH

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Republicans Are Ugly

Gander at one of two dickheads who will likely replace Tom "Palpatine" Delay as House Majority Leader. First Howdy Doody Head, Roy Blunt ("Small Dick"):

You sure you hate gays? And then the Boner, John Boehner:

"My eyes are fuzzy with evil."

The cliche that the Republican Party never "looks like America" could not be more fitting here. If you know anyone who looks like this, then put it in your butthole mouth.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Ubi sunt . . . .

I really have mixed feelings about the case of Coni Staton, the mother accused of lady-handling a 6 year-old boy who harassed her own ugly child. Check out the educationalist vid!!! (That means you, too, Locust-the-Lazy, recently exposed to neglect clicking links.) See, I just can’t decide whether I want to be on the Noble Citizens Award Committee to nominate Ms. Staton for a public service medal or on the jury for her pending trial, so that I can have a hand in letting this woman get off scot-free with a counter suit award for slander and libel. You decide!!!

She hardly even tousles the stupid fucking kid. And at any rate, growing up in the 70s, ANY ADULT could potentially do this to you right in a goddamned Kmart or at Six Flags. Knowledge of that potentiality kept my ass in line, kept me from wrecking the Trans-Am, and produced the model citizen that I am, respecting adults and serving as a pillar of this community.

What a shame how times have changed. Gone are the days when a fat ass red-neck mom would set your dumb ass straight.