Enter the Ninja (Kicking Ass then as now)

This is a video from May 1986 that my buddies and I made (and starred in) for a final project for Mrs. Beckman's New Media class at Naperville North High School. This vid was shown at the end-of-the-year assembly, and even won us delinquents a prize, which we claimed on stage during Honor's Day, for chrissakes. We were inspired to make this because we all hated North, and were generally bored with life. If it weren't for Mrs. Beckman, we'd have nothing but eggy memories of that place. We shot this on 3/4" video tape, edited on machines with those rotary dials. Only the fucktards did New Media back then, and that was us, along with three others: one Morbidly Obese Soul who shot the football games, a one Bruce Dyker (the kid who got his ass kicked in this vid - by me - but showed us all a good many of the ropes), and one effeminate bald older man who may or may not have been a teacher but had some special room in the upper library with access to all the techMology. He was cool.

Of course, the vids by kids are much slicker these days. But that's because life is now so much more mediated at such a younger age, technology so much more advanced and handy (literally). Just check out the other samplings on youtube from this same highschool, which btw resembles nothing I recollect and seems now to be one huge fucking foodcourt. I'm about to launch into an "Ubi sunt..." about burnouts and the smoking lounge. I really want to say: believe it or not, for back then, this vid was pretty good.

I mean, you lucky 16 year-old bastards: you have online porn, while we had to dig up Penthouses from 1978 from the forest preserve and then deploy Gadamerian hermeneutics to make any erotic sense out of hairy pussy pics that the elements had rendered utterly unintelligible. We back then understood the meaning behind Freud's famous question, "What is Woman?" You just have no idea what it's like not to know what a pussy "is," much less looks like, until you encounter one in real life. On a side note, the girl in the vid was the first girl I ever kissed -- in seventh grade -- in Jim Morgan's basement during a spin-the-bottle party. She was hot, with that feathered hair. Nice ass too. But I digress, since thinking about highschool also presents the risk of infinite regress. Anyway, to close this sub-routine, I've more than caught up with you jerkers-offers, and I could still kick your ass anyway, so without further adoooooo, I present the long awaited-for digitally remastered (i.e., compressed and now more shitty) . . .

. . . 20th Anniversary Edition!!! (more or less):

RUSH IN RIO

If you like Rush, or if you don’t but want to see a good concert vid, or if you want a compelling reason why you should like them so that you may fucking understand why they are the only 70s/80s/90s band that doesn’t have to tour in Viagra-Rogain collectives like STYX-JOURNEY-DEF LEPPARD to fill a stupid venue, then, Dearest Reader, by all means get the DVD “Rush in Rio,” so that you may understand why Rush still fills a goddamned soccer stadium to the gills with insane fans.

And yes, blame it on Rio. Holy shit! Brasil has the BEST FANS EVER. Honestly. Have you ever seen a mosh pit the size of a football field? I thinketh not. So imagine a stadium packed with fans celebrating the sound more intensely than they would a soccer game, over which they are already known to go utter apeshit. Get the picture?

This DVD beats all the previous live Rush concert vids, and it does so, hands down. It also beats all of the Rush concerts I’ve seen since the early ‘80s. It made me cry in joy. I swear to GOD. AND THESE ARE PEOPLE IN THEIR 20S! They were born AFTER Moving Pictures! They are fans. GODDAMNIT!

And so to the modern day warriors of Brasil, I genuflect before you and offer this GOLDBLACKDEVILHEAD <GOLDGOD> MESSAGE [XverifiedX]:

MY FRIENDS IN BRASIL, BOM DIA!!! YOU ROCK! I LOVE YOUR PORN, BUT YOU ARE THE BEST RUSH FANS IN THE WORLD!!! AND YOU HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMEN AND THE BEST JIU-JITSU FIGHTERS ON EARTH!!! SAÚDE! LONG LIVE BRASIL AND THE JEWEL THAT IS RIO!!!

Hand of Doom Meets Fate in Ass of Hadrosaur

Rule one on publishing articles about dinosaurs and especially about NEW DISCOVERIES about the dinosaur kingdom:

ALWAYS INCLUDE A PICTURE OF THE DINOSAUR UNDER DISCUSSION.

But I can be forgiving of any article that offers such stimulating and frankly rather profound prose:

They also found a second fossil called the "the hand of doom." The clawed foot belongs to a species of crocodile that may have been dining on a Hadrosaur soon after it died in a riverbed. It could have crawled up the back passage of the animal, went to get the guts and ended up stuck.

Wow.